


Dollhouse(ever wonder what it's like)

by Jishwa23



Category: Twenty One Pilots
Genre: Anxiety, Best Friends, Comfort, F/M, Insecurities, Josh drumming, Josh singing at times?¿, Love interest - Freeform, M/M, Some older songs, confusion and tears, faling in love, interest in best friend, jenna and Tyler, joshler - Freeform, tyler singing
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-08-13
Updated: 2017-07-07
Packaged: 2018-08-08 11:00:23
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 13
Words: 24,669
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7755106
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Jishwa23/pseuds/Jishwa23
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Tyler loves Jenna but he also loves Josh. The choice is obvious and confusing for him.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. The beginning of the end

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first fan fiction and I'm super excited and there are probably tons of gramatical problems but oh well lol. I hope you enjoy!!

It's 3 a.m now. I can't stop thinking about what she said to me, "I love you..." I shook my head. Why am I so upset? I mean she is my girlfriend, but I can't help to think she only said it out of lust. We did just sleep with each other for the first time, but I couldn't understand why I feel this way? Was it because I don't think she means what she's saying and just blurted it out in the moment, or does she genuinely mean it and I don't have the same mutual feelings?

I turn to her and see her beautiful beach blonde hair lying messily around her pillow. I admire the way she sleeps, so peaceful and still. I get up to use the bathroom, but when I arrive I realize there was never a need to go in the first place. I just wanted out of that bed.

" _I_ _love you"_

The words still float around in my mind overcoming all the other thoughts I had. She said it so passionately too. Well, maybe that's because I was dick deep in her, but that's not the point. We had never even brought up the "L" word because we both knew that that's when things would have to become more serious. My parents already wanted us to move in together, but I kindly refused and said we were still too early in the relationship to be thinking about moving in. I think they just loved the fact that I was with a girl.

They always knew I was different than the other boys, and by different I mean them thinking that I was gay. I knew them seeing me with Jenna gave them a sense of normality but I'm not sure it is...I'm still trying to figure it out.

I met Jenna, the girl currently lying in my bed, my senior year of high school. I thought she was stunning. Absolutely gorgeous and that was the first time I had felt that way for a girl, or anyone as a matter of fact. It took me basically the whole school year to gain the courage and ask her on a date and remarkably she said yes. Ever since then it's been great up until now.

I walk back towards the bed where Jenna lays perfectly still. I see how the blankets follow her steady breathing slowly and calmly. I make my way under the covers trying not to wake her. I stare towards the ceiling hoping that somehow it would show me the answer to my problems. But Alas the same thing happens as always ...nothing. No words, phrases, or voices give me any sense of direction on what to do. Before I know it I start to daze off.

A soft, sweet voice begins to echo around in my head "Ty....Ty wake up"

My eyes open and shut immediately due to the bright light illuminating the room. I squint trying to make a visual of what is going on. I find Jenna's ocean blue eyes looking over me. I smile and wearily say, "Hey you" as if nothing bothered me at that moment,

"How'd you sleep last night, babe? Because let me tell you, I slept fantastic." 

"Oh really?" I say with a smirk on my face.

"I'm gonna go make some breakfast sleepy head. Get washed up and come down as soon as you can. I've got a busy day planned for us" Jenna says trying to hide her excitement but failing miserably.

Somehow even when I'm not sure how I feel about Jenna I know I love her in some sort of way. Whether it be true love or not.

I finally look at the clock and its 8:55 am. I decide to do as Jenna said and get ready. I sheepishly walk towards the bathroom and turn on the shower to soon find out Jenna used up the hot water like she always does. As soon as I finish I pick out a short sleeve, maroon colored button up shirt and black skinny jeans with rips in the knees. My basic everyday wear. To my surprise Jenna has already made breakfast and has gotten herself into a beautiful red sundress.

"God you look stunning" I say in awe.

She blushes and serves me two pancakes and some eggs. She only cooks on special occasions and well today seemed to be one, but I couldn't think of what it was. I shrugged it off and dug into my food. Jenna stares at me while I continue to stuff my mouth with food, as if she were waiting for me to say something. I look at her confused and for a moment everything starts to fall into place. Today's our anniversary and I had completely forgotten.

\--------------------------------------------------------

“I…I have to go to the bathroom” I say immediately.

Jenna stares in confusion but doesn’t protest. I close the door and in a panic I quickly dial the first person that pops in my mind which isn’t Jenna. He answers,

“Josh!” I exclaim, relieved that he picked up.

He instantly notices the distress in my voice.

“Tyler whats wrong?” he questions.

My whole body trembles in the thought of me forgetting this milestone in the only relationship I have ever had in my 20 years of living. How could I have been so forgetful? Maybe it was the “I love you” from last night that threw me off.

 

“I forgot. God how could I have forgotten today? I am the worst person, she deserves way better.” I begin to ramble.

“Tyler what are you talking about? Talk to me,” he declared.

“Jenna. Today is our one year anniversary and I completely forgot. What am I gonna do? She already has something planned out for us, and I have nothing. What…what do I do?” My voices breaks and I can feel my jaw clench as my eyes start to blur. I won’t cry. I won’t cry I repeat to myself .

“Oh, tyler Don’t worry, i’ll-i'll help you just give me a second to think... Why don’t you play along as if you have nothing planned for her, and when she thinks the day is over, surprise her and sing that song you were working on? I know she’d love it, I mean it is about her right?”

Not entirely, I wrote it based on the idea of her but not about her. I wrote it about the true love that I desire, the person I desire. And for some reason I start to think that maybe she is not the exact person who I was hoping for or maybe what I was hoping for from our relationship.

I pause and start thinking more about what Josh had said about the song. I’ve never sang in front of anyone before. I've sent Josh the lyrics to the many songs of written but never performed them. I’ve only sang in front of Jenna twice, both unintentionally. I was in the shower while she was getting herself ready. Performing in front of her is a different story because it is intentional. But I have to make it up to her, and she is constantly bugging me to play her a song on my ukulele.

“I guess i’ll have to. i mean i have nothing else to give.” i respond

“That's not true, I mean you could finally give yourself to her tonight.”

I can sense the smirk upon his face when saying that as if he knows I wouldn’t. But I already have.

“I already have” I say slowly.

Silence is all that is heard through the phone.

“…Josh?” I wait for a response.

“Wow-um I never thought-you would actually-with her.”

He sounds surprised and I sense a hint of jealousy in his voice as if he never figured we would ever do things together beside make out.

“Josh, she is my girlfriend. I mean if I hadn’t done it soon enough she would’ve suspected that I wasn’t into her,” I say irritably.

“I understand that but-“

I hear Jenna knocking on the door of the bathroom that I have been in for too long to not suspect something.

“Tyler..? Are you okay?” she sounds concerned.

“I gotta go.” I say cutting him off and hanging up the phone.

I quickly unlock the bathroom door and give her a weak smile.

“I’m fine babe. I just needed to make a quick call to someone to make sure things go well tonight.”

Her face instantly glowed with excitement and relief as if she’d sense that I had forgotten about today's importance, which I had. She gave a toothy smile, a small squeeze on my arm, and walked back towards the kitchen to grab her purse.

“C’mon slowpoke we gotta leave now if we wanna get to your first surprise on time!” She exclaimed.

I loved seeing her so excited for something. It was one of the things that drew my attention towards her. I shook my head and smiled towards her.

“All right, All right” I respond with a slight chuckle.

Jenna opens the door to the driver's seat and waits till we are both situated before pulling out of the drive way. I'm nervous to see what she has planned for today.

\----------------------------------------------

 

Ever since I moved to Chicago, Jenna visits me basically every week from our small town in Columbus, Ohio. She wastes money on gas and 5 and half hours of her day to visit the man she claims she loves. Feeling guilty I look at her and see how pleased she is. This entire car ride so far she can’t seem to get that goofy smile off of her face. How come it takes every amount of force to just utter the words 'I love you' to her, when it should come so easily? I mean I do of course love her or else I wouldn’t be with her but it just doesn’t seem right to say those words unless you 100% mean it because then they are just words.

I don’t want just words, I want what comes with it. The intimacy and the change of atmosphere in the room. When The expression of the person you say it to changes immediately in realization that they know you care for them in a deeper way and their response being exactly what you’d wish for. But every time I imagine this exact moment, I’ve never really seen it with her. I thought that being with Jenna would’ve give me more direction in my life, I just think it has brought me more confusion and more of a desire to find out who I really am and what I want.

Jenna pulls up to the parking lot near Lincoln park zoo. About two to three cars are here in the lot with us, one a small family of about 4 and another couple with a younger child in a stroller. I instantly notice the tone difference in both of these couples. The family of about four show more compassion towards each other. They have learned how to deal with they're troubling but lovable kids, and have gain patience, while the younger couple is still struggling. Maybe it's because of their inexperience or because of the many hours of sleep they haven’t gotten thanks to their baby. I also acknowledge the love they share with their partners, and how I desperately crave that. How i crave this sense of belonging to someone and sharing my entire life and unforgettable memories with them. The big family i want with them and the love that they radiate constantly towards each other without having to actually say any words to them. I look back towards Jenna who is applying sun tan lotion, leaving small white streaks across her arms. I help her apply the lotion to her back and notice how she sprayed her favorite perfume on herself, one I bought on her birthday a few months back.

“You ready to go?” She asks.

I smile and nod while grabbing her hand and intertwining our fingers together.

The zoo isn’t incredible large like the others I have been too but we spend almost two hours there. Jenna so eager to continue looking at the animals that we have already seen twice and I love seeing her like this so we walk through it once more. At this point I’m starving and the zoo is already packed. Jenna is examining the butterflies again, it's her favorite thing to do at the zoo. Walking into that large netted, and being greeted by the hundred butterflies is the most scariest thing ever but she’s running around trying to follow this one butterfly to take a picture of it.

I catch her from behind and give her a small hug and whisper into her ear,

“Hey beautiful”

She blushes and gives me a kiss on the cheek.

“Are you hungry”

“Like you wouldn’t believe” i whisper to her.

I grab ahold of her hand once more as we walk towards the exit.

As we enter the car I realize how I tired my feet are and take a nap in the car on our way to Jenna’s next secret destination.

We arrive at my favorite pizza place, Giordano’s. I can already smell the sweet aroma of fresh deep dish pizza. At this point I’m feeling extremely guilty for not planning anything for our anniversary and I just hope my performance later tonight will make up for lack of preparation. Jenna orders our favorite deep dish pizza and we indulge into it as soon as it arrives. She starts to talk about how she’s had this day planned for a while and was so excited for it.

I reach across the table and grab her hand. I tell her

“Happy anniversary, babe.”

“Happy anniversary” she says shyly

“I'm gonna be honest here Jen, i didn’t think i could put up with you this long i mean you’re kinda tough to deal with.” i tell her jokingly.

She scoffs and just laughs as she knows I’m partly right.

“I’m just glad we did” she adds. “I had a few more things planned for today, but who knew the zoo was going to take all of my energy.”

“if you’re tired babe we can just drive home, it's best for you to get rest because my gift is waiting for you there.” i plead, just wanting to get this singing thing out of the way.

Her eyes instantly widen and i can tell she has been wanting to receive my gift the entire day. I just hope i don’t chicken out and disappoint her.

We pay,and leave the restaurant making our way steadily back to my place. My heart starts to race knowing how unprepared i am for this.


	2. Mistake

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm pretty proud of some of the things I write lol. Enjoy!

We arrive at my apartment sooner than anticipated. The 1 hour car ride seemed shorter than I remember . I've lived here for about 4 months now with josh. We've been friends since sophomore year of high school and since then we've become so close. He usually stays with his sister whenever Jenna is around. He refuses to stay in the second bedroom because he states that the walls are paper thin. I sometimes get the sense that he's in a way jealous of her, and my relationship with her. He's told me all about his relationships and how he’s realized that he likes both girls and boys. I constantly think about that, i mean i know i like girls, well Just Jenna so far, but there have been a few times boys have caught my attention too. Josh was one of them but i’ve always been cautious to never really give that away

My screen lights up and I see that it's a message from Josh.

I smile and realize that I haven't talked to him since this morning. He always makes me feel more at ease.

"Hey how'd the performance go?" I read

"I haven't done it yet. I'm too scared to sing the song I wrote-maybe I'll just sing her favorite song."

"Whatever makes you happy. Tell me her reaction and if it's nothing like you'd hope then she doesn't deserve to hear you sing."

For some reason I smile and give a small chuckle.

"Okay I'll let you know right away" I reply.

Two hours later I await for Jenna to finish showering and I sit on the mahogany coffee table in front of the tv. A few candles were lit and I placed them around the area I was in, creating a dull glow which barely made out my surroundings. I quietly strum my ukulele practicing the chords praying to god I don't mess up.

She arrives wearing her long red and blue UIC shirt and some short exercising shorts. I smile at her and am amazed how some can look so beautiful in this terrible candle lit lighting.

She looks surprised as if she thought her gift would be more tangible than memorable.

I begin to strum to the tune of I'm Yours by Jason Mraz, it's her favorite song.

"Jenna today has been wonderful" I begin. "And I know you were probably expecting something more then me playing for you as a gift but-"

She interrupts me

"No this is perfect I promise. Please I'm excited to hear you!" She exclaims

I begin strumming again. C, G, Am, F. Four chords that's it.

I clear my throat and begin.

"Well you done done me and you bet I-"

A loud knock on the door echoed through the house. I paused not sure on what to do. Jenna has a puzzled look on her face considering who it could be at a time like this. I quickly move towards the door and open to be surprised by Ashley, Josh's sister, carrying a very limp josh. Startled and concerned I help her carry him towards his room and lay him across his bed.

"What happened to him?" I ask worriedly.

"I don't really know i left to go out with some friends and when I came back I found him drunk babbling about how he can't believe it's been another year and a performance and about you. He kept saying take me to Tyler and wouldn't stop until he passed out in the car."

I stand there frozen taking in what Ashley had just said. Josh rarely drinks and when he does he passes his limits, today is an example of him at his worst.

"Okay um.." I say while running my fingers through my hair. "I'll take care of him. Thank you for bringing him."

"Of course" she says while walking out of his room and towards the door.

Jenna sat awkwardly in the same place from when I began singing, not completely certain of what to do. Giving her a weak smile I say,

"Why don't you go to bed I'll be right there."  
she nods and leaves towards my room and all I'm left with is josh and the aroma of the many burning candles which have started to give me a headache.

"Ty?" A muffled voices says.

I began to walk towards Josh's room. He's half drunkenly awake and half asleep. I peek in and he immediately lifts his arms up as in awaiting an embrace and quietly says

"Come here"

I come closer to his bed and since he is much more broader and muscular then I am he easily grabs ahold of me and give me a tight squeeze.

"Tyler I missed you. How was your day?"

Annoyed I state "It was great right up until now"

He frowns and looks at me

"I'm-I'm sorry Tyler. It was my fault wasn't it. God it's always my fault. I always ruin things." He begins

I immediately snap back at him

"Stop" I return to a normal tone and continue with a sigh, " it's not your fault josh you just drank too much again. Why'd you drink too much? What's bothering you?"

"Jenna. " he says almost immediately "Jenna is bothering me. God she is so lucky. She has spent...so long ..with you the marvelous Tyler Joseph. The handsome Tyler Joseph" he says with a playful punch and smirk on his face.

"Is that what's bothering you? The fact that I've been with her for this long?" I proclaim

"Well duh." He says as if i should've known in the first place. "Why would you stay with her for this long and still not know how you feel about her. I mean for god sake you forgot your anniversary again and you didn't even tell her I love you back." Frozen, I look at him. I had never felt this type of rage before but I soon realize that josh would never hurt me intentionally, but the alcohol in his system would. I try my best to stay calm and comfort him.

"Josh" I begin "I'm gonna go get you a glass of water to try and lower the alcohol in your system. As I begin to leave the room I hear him make a moan such as a child would to protest against what is being said.

I renter Josh's room with a glass filled with water and place it on his night stand. He's asleep now or so I thought until he pulled me right back next to him on the bed. He pulls me in close and whispers

"If you really don't know how you feel about her maybe you should take a break and see how you feel then."

I look at him as if he had just given me the answer that I’ve been searching for all along. he pulls me in by the hem of my shirt and places a small kiss onto my cheek. I turn to see his face better to see if he intentionally meant to do that but once I make eye contact I'm pulled back in for another kiss. This time on the lips. It was a quick peck and as I move back to a sitting position, I’m awestruck. This was a new sensation that I’ve never gotten with Jenna, and I'm morally confused. Did he do that intentionally or did the alcohol make him do that? Or both? Oh god what has he done?  
\-------------------------------------------------

I swiftly leave Josh’s embrace and walk back towards my room still unsure of what exactly had just occurred.

As i enter i notice Jenna stuffing her belongings into her oddly large duffle bag. Her face is a rosy color and streaks of water, fall from her face. She’s been crying.

“Jenna? What are you doing?”

“What does it look like I’m doing, Tyler?” she replies. “I'm leaving, obviously you need some time to think.”

“Think about what?” i ask unsure of what she means.

At this moment i had hoped what Josh said about the walls wasn’t true, but it was. She had heard the entire conversation and how i was struggling to come to terms with my feelings towards her and our relationship.

“Think about us Tyler. If what Josh said is true then i need you to really think about what you want in your life. Whether its with me or someone else, I want you to be happy. I’ve noticed for a while you haven’t been happy, and I’ve just been putting it off hoping it would go away. Last night when i told you i loved you, it slipped out but… it doesn’t mean i don’t mean it. I do love you i just-hoped that you would’ve said it back by now.”

She looks down and a tear starts to stream down her face slowly.

I look down at my feet unsure on how to respond. I walk towards her and grab her hand, I pull her chin up slightly and speak in a soft tone,

“Hey, I am happy with you. There’s no one i'd rather be with then you. I need you, Jenna, don’t you see that?”

She pulls her hand away from mine, lifting up her duffle bag and walking towards the door. She turns to me with her puffy eyes as more tears from her face run down her chin,

“That's not entirely true. I see the way you look at other couples and you hope that one day you’ll be as happy as they are, because I do the same thing except i see that with you. I see a future with you Tyler and I don't know if you feel the same. And maybe it's because you are confused or distracted by something else but i think it's best for the both of us that we take a break…”

At this moment she’s already sobbing. She’s hurting and I can’t comfort her because i don’t know how. I don’t know how to help her feel better without her thinking that i pity her. I began to walk towards her but she stops me in my tracks.

“Don’t” she protests.

“Please don’t leave Jenna.” My voice is breaking and tears began to fall from my face. My jaw clenches and my eyes begin to burn as they fill up with more tears. I can’t let her leave for something i did, but i can’t force her to stay and make the both of us unhappy.

I hear the front door close and her car pull out of the driveway. My heart is pounding at the events that had just happened, and it’s too much to process at once. The room begins to start spinning faster and faster, the room shakes and I can’t seem to catch my breath. Sobbing and hurt i lay on the floor wondering how i could just let her walk away.

“I love you” I whisper.

“I love you” I start to say a bit louder.

“I love you”

“I love you”

“I love you”

I’m shaking and whispering ‘I love you’ to the empty bedroom where she left me. I thought about last night and how she laid completely still on my bed and wished for that moment back. That moment where even if I was confused she was there for me, the presence of her brought comfort to me and i started to sob even harder.

I hadn’t moved from the floor for what seemed like forever, everything in the house was still and the aroma of the candles still burned my nose. I finally decide to get up and check on Josh. I peeked my head into the doorway of his room and admire his bright red hair, and how he’s constantly changing the color of it. But i love this shade of red on him, a bright ruby color.

I think about how Josh gave me the answer to my problems in a matter of seconds, while intoxicated, when i couldn’t even think of anything in the last couple months. That this all happened because I couldn’t communicate how I felt without hurting Jenna, and either way I hurt her. I start to feel guilty and leave his doorframe, striding towards the candles that were still lit. I blow them out and a burning aroma that i prefer began to replace the overly sweet scent of vanilla. I lay on the couch replaying tonight in my head, how i could’ve done things differently and how things could have ended differently between us. I grab my notebook and a pencil and begin writing. Writing absolutely anything that i can think of, and i how I’ve felt this whole day. I write about two full songs that day. Something i haven’t been able to do for so long and suddenly i feel a huge weight lifted off of my shoulder. I realize I haven’t been able to write because i haven’t had inspiration and right now i want to continue writing but before i know it I'm asleep.

\----------------------------------------------

I wake up to the sound of Josh retching. I Jump up from the couch and run towards the bathroom where Josh continues to vomit.

“Oh Josh” I say concerned.

I run back towards the kitchen to grab him a glass of water.

“Here drink some” I plead.

He takes the glass weakly and takes a sip which cause him to gag more. He can’t hold anything down. i frown and rub his back in a circular motion as a way to comfort him, it's the only way i know how. As he finishes up whatever is left in his stomach, he lays against the wall for support. He looks up at me slightly and frowns,

“I’m sorry” He begins, “I know i ruined last night for you and Jenna, and I know when i get upset i drink too much and i’m sorry. I don’t know why i do that.”

I look at him and could immediately tell that he’s tired and i don’t know if i should thank him or be completely angry for his actions yesterday. I don’t think he intentionally meant for Jenna to hear but still, it damaged our relationship.

“Josh why-why did you drink so much last night?” I ask  
“Were you hurt? Were-were you mad at the fact henna and I are still together?” I ask as if he hadn’t already blabbered about it last night.

“n-no” He stammers. “Why-why would i be mad about that?”

“Because you told me, Josh. God you basically told her how i was confused about how i felt about her and how i couldn’t tell her i loved her back because i wasn’t completely sure if it was real or not. Because Ashley had to interrupt my performance to Jenna when you knew how important it was to me, and her panicking because she didn’t know what you needed or how to help you. God Josh i mean if this really bothered you then why didn’t you talk to me about it?”

He looks down towards the tiled bathroom floor and i scan his face, his eyes are becoming puffy, just like Jenna’s did last night. I shake my head and scoot closer to him so he’s able to rest his head upon my shoulder. I sigh and i start to play with his ruby red hair, running my fingers through it. I feel tears start to land on my shoulder and hear Josh sniffle.

“I'm so sorry Tyler…I didn’t-i didn’t think…” He pauses unsure on what to say next.

I shift my body to face him and i grab a hold of his hand, and bring him closer so that i can hug him. He rests his head on my chest and squeezes me. i can feel his whole body tremble as he continues to cry.

“I'm so sorry Tyler.” he muffles.

“I'm so sorry”

I realize im hypocritical for judging josh for not confronting me about how he felt, when i couldn’t even tell Jenna how confused i was. I realized that sometimes we choose not to confront people about the problems we have because we don’t want to be a burden or upset them. Josh begins to lift up his head from my shoulder and finally decides to look at me. Still holding my hand he whispers,

“I'm really sorry tyler. if i could take back last night and redo it i would. I know that doesn’t really change anything but i just hope that that means something to you.”

As soon as he stops speaking he is already looking down at my lips and leaning in. He kisses me softly. I can tell he has pictured this moment differently because let's be honest, no one really dreams about kissing someone after vomiting and “breaking up” their best friends relationship. I don’t back away, instead i begin to reciprocate the kiss and get a tingling sensation through my body as i had just gotten goosebumps. Josh is the first to pull away and i sit there right across from him completely stunned at the second kiss that has happened between us in the last 24 hours. Wow is the only thing i can seem to think of.

“Wow” He stole the right from my mouth. He smiles, “ I've wanted to do that for as long as i can remember.”

“Me too” I reply. My eyes open wide as i realize that i said that out loud and jump up.

“I um.. i should go get us breakfast” i stammer and smile like a complete idiot as i exit the bathroom and grab the keys to my car. I think Josh noticed the goofy smile I had because right before i let he chuckled as if my response were one he had hoped for.

“Ill- I’ll be back” I shout as i begin to shut the front door. As I enter my car it occurs to me that I have no idea what to get him since the only breakfast food he eats contain milk and cocoa krispies. I'm not even sure if he can even hold anything down. Either way I drive down to the local breakfast diner, get enough food to fill three to-go boxes and head back to my house.

“Hello? Josh?” I shout as i enter the front door.

“SHHH! Just because I’ve stopped vomiting my guts out doesn’t mean the hangover's gone. Use your inside voice please!”

“Sorry” I say while laughing and placing our breakfast on the table making a loud thud.

“Gosh, did you buy breakfast or a three course meal?”

“I didn’t know want kind of pancakes you liked since you’re always eating cereal for breakfast so i bought a couple of different flavors.”

He smiles sincerely and says, “Where would i be without my dear friend Tyler Joseph? But uh can I eat later? I’m not really looking forwarding to filling my stomach with anything but coffee.” He gets up from his seat, kisses me on the cheek and pours two cups of coffee. I feel my face burn as it starts to fill with color, and realize that I’m finally starting to feel...happy.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> :D well who knows where Josh and Tyler and Jenna we'll end up. Stay tuned. ;)


	3. F# and the Flash

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapters kinda cute and a little steamy. ;) Also a little shorter then the other ones but hopefully this makes up for it.  
> P.S. I've never written anything smutty before so hopefully along the way ill improve.

The rest of the day is spent binge watching Netflix and eating anything that's left in our house, which isn’t much, in the comfort of Josh’s room. Nothing has really changed between us since the kiss this morning and the kiss last night that I’m pretty sure Josh doesn’t remember. We’ve watched about three movies so far and decided to start change it up a bit with a TV show. 

 

“How about The Flash? I've heard that's a pretty good show.” Josh suggests. He’s always been into superheroes and is kinda the complete opposite of me, which is why i think we became best friends, we introduced each other to so many new things. 

 

“What’s it about?”

 

“You don’t know what The Flash is about!? I mean do you know who he is or his super power?!" 

 

"No" I answer weakly 

 

" How are we even friends?” He says jokingly and half serious.

 

“I've told you a million times I’ve never really been into superheroes. Not even when i was a kid. I had better things to do and i just kind of thought that they were unrealistic, sorry.”

 

His jaw drops. “You know what, I'm gonna make you wish you had read comic books as a kid and introduce you to every single one of them. That’s what we are going to do for the rest of the day. I have all the X-men movies and Netflix has a few shows and it's gonna be great just watch.”

 

I chuckle and just nod my head in agreement to forcefully watch these programs. It doesn’t really matter what i’m doing when I’m with Josh because some how just doing the smallest things makes me wish i was doing it forever.

 

As we begin to watch, the expression of Josh's face changes to this childish look of excitement and anticipation to watch a show i'm pretty sure he knows all about. A smile starts to form as he notices I’m staring at him. 

 

"Tyler? You're gonna miss the intro it, explains everything!" he exclaims while pointing at the TV

 

"You're right sorry" 

 

I glance over at him once more and try to pay attention to the overly predictable show. As we reach the shows last episode of the season I start to understand why Josh was so obsessed with these kind of shows. They’re pretty good no matter how predicatble or unpredictable it is.

 

"So what do you think?!" He asks impatiently.

 

“I hate to admit it but, this show  _ is _ really good. What i wouldn’t give to have super cool super powers.”

 

“ I knew you would love it! Isn’t it so good? God it’s so good. I love superheroes.”

 

I admire the excitement Josh has for these shows and how adorable his reactions are. I decide to scoot closer to him and share a blanket that he had been hogging, and lay comfortably in the pillow next to him. I look at him and start to feel a fluttering sensation arise in my stomach that I always seem to get when I’m with Josh. I've never really known what is but i love the feeling. I begin to feel my body become heavier, my eyes become droopy and i fall asleep suddenly.

 

I wake up to a lovely sight of Josh’s face only inches from mine, soundly asleep. Whenever Jenna would stay over and i wouldn’t be able to sleep, i would begin try to memorize her facial features all night.

 

As i reminisce over our relationship i start to feel guilty laying next to Josh in his bed with him even if for right now things are platonic between us. Everything starts to feel wrong about sleeping here together and the kisses we shared and not knowing where my relationship with Jenna stands. I know i never was able to be the boyfriend she had dreamed about, but i was always loyal to her and being here with Josh makes me feel like I’m cheating on her in some way. I decide to leave the bed and start to clean the house to get my mind off things. 

 

As i finish cleaning the house, i approach my piano admiring the beauty of it, the simplicity and the complexity of it all. How one wrong note while playing can ruin a song or if you play the right chords at the right time the song can become denser and more passionate. I awake from my trance of admiration and look towards the window where the neighborhood children are playing. They look so happy and full of life, unaware of the struggle they will have to face in the future, and just like that a wave of inspiration washes over me. I begin to write down all of the ideas spinning around in my head on the paper as they try to all come out at once. Once the idea of the song is down i try to combine it to a simple melody for now and add onto it later. As i continue to play, i catch myself repeatedly going back to the key of F-sharp and remember back to the time when i first began playing the piano. For some reason, I was always drawn to the black keys and were the first keys that i touched when i first started playing. those notes were the easiest since i taught myself how to play and I have always incorporated them to my songs, well to most of them. 

 

“That sounds amazing.” 

 

Startled, i stop playing while my face flushes with color.  I personally don’t like people hearing me play because then you can never take it back, the feeling of writing just for you and for no one else.  i write and play these songs without any pressure, goal, standard ,or structure, and no other reason than this is what I want to say. 

 

“Sorry I didn’t mean to scare you” Josh says hoarsely still half asleep.

 

“Uh no it’s fine don’t worry about it.” I say stumbling out from under the piano. 

 

“Are you okay, Tyler? You look kinda nervous?” 

 

“No, really i’m fine i just-How long were you standing there?”

 

“Not long I just got hungry and heard you…Why did you not want me to hear?”

 

“It's not that it's just... i'm not used to people hearing me play.”

 

“Gotcha.”

 

We stand there awkwardly for a brief moment. I realize that I'm not nervous to play in front of Josh I've just never gained the courage or the time to actually play for him. I decide to break the silence.

 

“Wo-would you like me to play you a song?” I point to the piano motioning for us to walk over.

 

“I’d love too…if that's okay with you. I don’t want you to feel pressured to play in front of me now just because i heard you.” He responds

 

“No it's not that it's just…you’ve always read my music but-i mean it's the performance that really makes it more powerful and i just need your opinion on it.”

 

“I feel honored” he says while placing his hand over his heart and giggles.

 

This time, i feel no pressure playing for someone. This time it feels so easy just to start playing and pour my soul into it because he isn’t afraid to be honest with me and because he always makes me feel at ease. 

 

_____________________________________________________________________________________________

 

I begin playing and i can feel josh’s stare but it doesn’t seem to bother me.

 

“um this one is older but it's one of my favorites.”

 

Josh smiles and nods and has that childish grin he got when watch intensely at the TV this morning.

 

“ _Oh, Ms Believer, my pretty sleeper_

 

_ Your twisted mind is like snow on the road _

 

_ Your shaking shoulders prove that it's colder _

 

_Inside you head than the winter of dead_ “

 

As i continue to sing i can see Josh’s expression change and I become concerned but continue to play anyway. 

 

The song comes to an end and i await the response of Josh who hadn’t stopped staring at me the entire performance.

 

“ You wrote that?” He asks surprised

 

“Yeah, why did you not like it?” I question frantically.

 

“Are you kidding me? That’s freaking amazing. Tyler that is such a good song and you’re right, your performance really makes an impact. You did so good and man do you have a killer voice! How long were you planning on hiding that?”

 

I laugh at the comment and how his reaction was just as i had hoped. All of my anxiousness from performing seems to fade. i can no longer imagine being afraid to play, at least in front of him anymore. 

 

“That wasn’t as bad as i expected.” I admit

 

“I knew you were gonna be great but man, you really blew me away. I'd love to hear more of your songs if you ever need me to.” He says with a toothy grin. 

 

“Well that song was one of the easier ones to play because the lyrics are happier than some of the others, but if i ever need a second opinion i'll definitely ask you.” 

 

I can never unshare this moment of performing in front of Josh, I can never make him forget the music i just sang to him and suddenly even though i do miss the music being my own i wouldn’t change anything about this experience. I didn't mind sharing with him the one thing that makes me completely vulnerable, i wanted to open up to him completely and share every inner thought with him. 

 

“What are you thinking about?” He asks me interrupting my current thoughts.

 

“Nothing” I respond quickly

 

“Are you sure? You seemed to be thinking pretty intensely over nothing. What’s bothering you?” 

 

“It’s just, with Jenna yesterday I-i struggled just to sing a cover of her favorite song and with you, right now, i sang to you one of the most personal things ever and I’ve never felt more calm. I just don’t know why whenever I’m around you i feel so at ease and don’t really care about anything else besides us. I like the feeling of being vulnerable around you.” I admit

 

Completely shocked at the fact that i admitted to him exactly how i felt, he gave me that same look he gave me earlier today when he kissed me. He locked eyes with mine and stared with admiration. I noticed how his eyes are this dark coffee color and how i could’ve stared into them all day if his lips weren’t just inches away from mine. I felt my heart begin race like it has never done before, my stomach getting that fluttery feeling again, and the anticipation is killing me. I lean in and as soon as our lips touch a current is sent through my body. 

 

The kiss begins soft and slow allowing me to enjoy every second of it. Our mouths readjust and continue to press against each other but this time more forcefully. The only time we stop is for air in-between each kiss. I move my hands towards the side of  his face while his arms are resting on my lower back pushing our bodies closer together. How I’ve longed for a feeling like this, a sense of desperately wanting the taste of someone and craving every inch of them.  We begin to shift towards the couch as things start to heat up a little more. Our kisses becoming more intense but seem to be not enough for the both of us. I tug at the hem of Josh’s shirt and in a swift motion he pulls it off of his body. His lips begin to trail their way off of my mouth and towards my jaw and down to my neck. I bite my lip to stop any unwanted sound from escaping my mouth.

 

My hands trail Josh’s chest in admiration of how well he is shaped, muscular and god awfully handsome. As Josh’s mouth continue to trail he tugs on my shirt as he helps me take it off. Our bare chests send another wave of emotions through my body. I spread my legs just enough so that josh’s body fits perfectly right in-between them. we begin to grind on each other for a relief that is desperately needed in the bulge forming in both our pants at this point. 

 

“Oh god how I've wanted you” he whispers into my ear and playfully nibbles on it.

 

With my hand I grab his face and place it back towards my lips as I desperately need more of his taste. He begins to brush his hand against the bulge in my pants and teases me. I moan into his neck and I begin to run my fingers through his hair. He grabs my hips forcefully and begins guiding them with his own. He tugs at the waistline of my pants as in asking permission to take them off. 

 

“I...I think we should.. God..I think we should stop.” Trying to utter the words as quick as possible..  

 

He stops moving and begins to lift his head slowly to meet mine. He looks at me and examines my expression, pleased but confused all at once. 

 

“Yea...um, yea you're probably right.” He agrees scratching the back of his head in confusion 

 

“ I'm sorry josh” I begin 

 

“No don't be I'm glad you stopped us... We were going a bit fast.” He replies trying to sound reassuring. 

 

“Just a little” I agree. I start to feel particularly guilty as I realize I led him on a few moments ago and told him to stop suddenly because of my selfish needs. He just looked so perfect, and in that moment the only thing that made sense was to kiss him. To kiss every inch of him but I knew that if I did-if we did, then I would never stop. I desperately want to jump back on top of him and pick up where we left off but I know that's not fair for either of us. 

 

Josh begins to stand up and gives me a kiss on the forehead, while he walks towards the kitchen still shirtless. I lay back in the couch trying to catch my breath and trying to recollect everything that just happened between us.

 

He offers me a cold water bottle and I politely decline. He takes a chug of his and basically finished the whole thing all at once. 

 

“Thirsty much?” I ask jokingly 

 

“You wouldn't know the half of it” he responds with a. Half smirk on his face. 

 

I realize what time it is and decide to clean myself up a bit and get ready for bed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please don't hate me that i ended their little moment so soon but i mean i can't have things moving to quickly between these two. Not yet at least. ;D
> 
> Side note: I absolutely love Jenna and tyler together in real life so please don't hate on her or constantly attack her on social media for her being happily married to him. She's literally the sweetest person ever and she makes Tyler happy and i just want them happy so if you do ship josher just please do it in a respectful way. 
> 
> Okay? Okay. gr8.


	4. The Guitar Center and my mom

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This ones just kind of a filler chapter which is why its kind of short buy its leading up to something you won't expect..or maybe you will idk lol.

As i finish up my shower and head to bed i see a very shirtless Josh laying there in my room waiting for me.

 

“Hey” He says with a big smile on his face.

 

He pats on the bed as a gesture to lay next him. I lay there awkwardly unsure of what to do or what Josh is currently doing in my bed. He turns to face me and smiles. He begins,

 

“Tyler, I know today’s been kind of weird between us. I mean with this morning and a few hours ago, i wouldn’t have thought that we would ever have done that but, I’m glad we did honestly. I mean for a first and second kiss and all that in the same day, is a little unexpected, but I'm not complaining” He says with a wink and laughs”

 

“Josh, you know that we kissed last night as well, right? When you were drunk?” I ask with a small chuckle.

 

“Wait, What? No i mean I would’ve remembered that. I wasn’t that drunk...was I?” He looks around the room trying to recollect the memories of last night.

 

“Well, you obviously don't.” I laugh. “And i’m glad we did too, but...we can’t do it anymore. Or at least for now, i still don’t know what’s going on between me and Jenna. And i just don’t think it's a good idea to keep going like this until i know for sure things are over. I’m sorry…”

 

He looks at me sincerely,” I get it don’t worry about it.. It’s just, now it's gonna be hard for me to keep my hands off of you.” He gives me a wink and blows a kiss in my direction as he begins to leave the bed. “Goodnight”

 

“Goodnight” I whisper as my face starts to flush with color.

 

I begin to situate myself in my bed and catch myself staring at the ceiling no longer searching for answers but looking for approval. Approval that this is what i’m supposed to be doing with Josh. But the ceiling never fails to give a me the same response of nothing but silence and my echoing thoughts. I close my eyes as i get tired of the quiet in the room and drift off.

\----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

It’s 8 o’clock as i begin to get dressed and ready for work. Josh and I work in the Guitar Center in town. Josh works in the drum department and while i’m still new, they like to shift me around all over the place seeing where i best fit in.

 

I walk towards Josh’s room and see if he’s awake, like always he’s not.

 

“Josh” I whispered shaking him a bit. “Josh, we’re going to be late again if you don’t get ready now.”

 

“5 more minutes” He pleads.

 

“C’mon sleepy head, you gotta get up now” I giggle still shaking him.

 

“Ugh, fine. Okay.  Ill get up.” He whines.

 

I leave his room and begin to get breakfast situated for the both of us, while Josh get’s ready. He enters the kitchen and smells the aroma of the eggs and bacon that i’m cooking.

 

“Wow, that smells great.” He says in awe.

 

I grab him a plate and serve him.

 

“You know you spoil me Tyler Joseph. I don’t deserve someone like you” He states with his mouth half full.

 

“You really don’t” I agreed jokingly, giving him a small wink. I leave him to eat while I go get ready.

 

I return wearing the same dull black button up and blue jeans that Josh is also wearing yet, he seems to still look as amazing as he always does. He notices me staring and looks down at his attire.

 

“What? Is my shirt dirty or something?”  He tries to look all around his body searching for the stain thats no where to be find, and begins to start spinning in a small circle

 

I giggle and shake my head. “No you’re fine. C’mon we’re gonna be late.”

 

I put my arm over his shoulder and we walk out of the house together.

 

We only have one car at the moment which we both share. It's not like we ever go out to places without each other but in moments like these I wished I owned a separate one.

 

“You okay there?” Josh asks concerned.

 

“Hm? Oh yea I'm fine.” I say shaking my head.

 

“You look pretty sad there, Ty. What's wrong?”

 

“There's nothing wrong” I say laughing. “I just..”

 

“You just what?”

 

“You're gonna think it's stupid.” I answer.

 

“Tyler Joseph nothing you say is stupid. Now tell me.” He pleads

 

“Okay fine. The truth is that... I like to be sad. it makes life become more bearable sometimes, i like putting my headphones in and pretending I’m being a sad little main character in some movie somewhere.”

 

“Oh my god. That is the best thing I've ever heard.”

 

“Josh I'm serious. Don't tell me you've never pretended to be in a movie and looked out the window dramatically.”

 

“Yea you're right I do do that sometimes, but I've never admitted it to someone.” He laughs.

 

God I love his laugh. The way his whole face lights up and how his eyes wrinkle in the corners when he smiles. My thoughts are interrupted by the car stopping suddenly and being shut off. I laugh a little and start to think about how these car rides seem to be getting shorter and shorter.

 

We both get out of the car and enter the store. The day goes by slowly and by 4:30 Our shifts are done. I usually don't mind work but today was probably one of the worst, and I don't mean that it was horrible because of the customers although they are pretty crappy but, because the entire time I caught myself staring at Josh. Like intensively analyzing his every move and his conversations with the customers and I realized that he's actually a people person, unlike me. He's great at convincing people to buy a whole drum kit for their kid to fulfill their “childhood dream” that began as soon as they walked in the store.

 

“Hey, Joseph you gonna keep making goo goo eyes at me or are you gonna finally come home with me?” says Josh, giving me a small wink and nudge.

 

I push him playfully and begin to walk with him back to the car.

The whole car ride home my thoughts kept wandering back to the image of Josh teaching a couple's child how to play a basic drum beat. He was so good with him, trying to explain everything as best as he could for a drum beat and I couldn't help but imagine how good he would be with our kids.

 

_Our kids?_

 

What am I thinking? Josh and I aren't even together and I'm already thinking of the future. I couldn't even see myself two years with Jenna and here I am predicting my future with Josh in a matter of minutes.

 

We arrive back to our apartment and I decide to take a nap. I just need to relax and keep my mind off things for a while and this is the only way I know how. I awake to the sound of my phone playing the marimba tune and vibrating. I rub my eyes and grab my phone reading the contact name, _Mom._

 

Great. I haven't talk to her since this whole jenna-Josh confusion fiasco went down. I didn't feel like talking to her nor felt the need to but I feel disrespectful not answering.

 

“Hey mom”

 

“Tyler Robert Joseph, Finally you answer me. i was starting to worry. How are you?" She begins.

 

“I'm fine I've just been...busy that's all. You know work and stuff.”

 

“Oh don't worry Tyler I understand. Guess what? You'll never believe what happened to…”

 

She begins to trail off topic and gossips about something that recently happened to her. I try to pay attention to what she's saying but I begin to notice that the apartment is oddly quiet. I stand up and walk around the apartment in search of Josh while still trying to listen to my mother. I quickly scan the living room and the kitchen but am unsuccessful. I look in his room and see that he is fast asleep. A smile creeps up on my face and I can't help but feel the urge to lay next to him. I quickly stop myself and start to walk away when a voice that isn't my mother's stops me in my tracks. I look towards Josh and he smiles at me half asleep and nods his head questioning who I'm currently talking to. _My mom_ I mouth to him.

 

“Tyler? Hello, Tyler?”

 

“Yea no I'm here sorry”

 

“I asked you how did your anniversary go with Jenna?”

 

 _Crap_. I'd had hope she wouldn't bring her up but my mom adores Jenna. I decided to avoid the question and just try to end the conversation as quick as possible.

 

“It went great, look mom I gotta go I've got some things I've gotta do but I'll call you soon okay? I love you.”

 

“Oh, alright honey” I could hear the disappointment in her voice. I bet she was hoping I'd share more detail with her or tell her that I proposed or something. She continues, “well I love you too. take care, okay? Tell Josh I said hi!”

 

“I will. Bye”

 

“Bye”

 

I hang up the phone as quickly as I can and place it to charge on my nightstand. I lay back down on my bed as my mind surges with new thoughts on my situation. _What should I do_? I wonder if i should talk to Jenna and see if things will be okay with us, whether it be in a relationship or as friends i still want Jenna in my life. I know that sounds obscure but Jenna’s been with me for so long and not being able to talk to her and see her every so often would kill me. As always i catch myself looking at the ceiling awaiting a response, nothing. No matter how many times I get the same response i still hope that one day something will appear giving me an answer. I decide to fall back asleep. I just need this day to be over.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm slowly running out of pre-written work here and am staying up all nights writing it school is starting next week and updates may be further apart then i would like but they will get done. follow me on twitter and bug me to update if you want.


	5. Motel 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So here's this chapter. Don't hate okay? Okay great?

8:00 a.m. Buzzz Buzzz. I awake to the sound of my alarm blaring and to the lovely voice of Josh yelling and banging on the wall.

“TURN IT OFF JOSEPH”

After a few yawns and a few more minutes in bed i decide to get up and begin my morning routine of waking Josh and getting ready for work.

Work is long and tiring but it was bearable today. As Josh and i exit the store i feel my phone chime and see that it’s a message from Jenna. As we enter the car and begin to drive home i begin to read the text.

Jen: Are you busy today? I think we should talk soon.

“Who’s that?” Josh asks curiously.

“Oh, um it's Jenna...She uh, she wants to talk.” I begin.

I can see his expression change instantly.

“Oh. That’s cool.”

“Yeah”

An awkward silence fills the car and we don’t speak for a good thirty seconds until Josh begins,

“I'm sorry about that again. I really hate myself for doing what i did and acting like a dick.” He says remorsefully.

“Josh, it's okay you don’t need to apologize anymore. I promise you it’s fine.”

“You don’t look to sure about that.”

“It’s not that it’s just...i don’t know what’s gonna happen between me and her but i don’t want to things to end badly either way. Even if we end up just friends, i want to end in better terms than how we are now. And i don’t even know what i want to be with her.” I say.

Another awkward moment of silence and again he breaks it.

“Do you love her?” He asks sincerely.

“ In what way?” i ask unsure on how to answer the question.

“ I mean do you love her? Do you think you could see yourself loving her forever and growing old together.”

I pause for a moment before i respond with a deliberate no,

 

“No. i mean... I did at first, but soon enough i realized that i only really liked the person she was and the idea of me being “normal” with someone like her. But in the end i just kind of saw her as nothing more than a close friend” I continue. “ i’ve know this for a while but i could never admit it or did i want to admit it. I just didn’t want to start over with someone again, ya know? Having to put all of your trust in them with your personal memories and becoming intimate and putting in so much time and effort for you not know what’s going to happen between the two of you. Whether or not the both of you make it out alive or broken and trying to piece yourself back together without each other. Things were going good between us and i couldn’t see a real reason to end things so i never did. I’ve always out her first.”

By now we have already reached our apartment and are just sitting in the parked car in the driveway. Josh turns to look at me, and grabs my hand thinking carefully on what to say next.

“I don’t think you should stay with her then.” He begins. “ Tyler you are the most selfless person I know and would do anything for someone you care about, but i think you need to learn to put your needs first. I get that you care for Jenna and how she feels but if you are not pleased with your relationship then i don’t think you should be with her. That isn’t fair to either of you and it isn’t a one sided relationship. You both should be happy one way or another, and maybe right now she won’t be but soon enough she will, and you will too. I get the whole starting over with someone new thing is scary but sometimes it’s worth your while.”

I look at him carefully examining his face and how he sincerely means what he is saying and take it all into consideration. He’s right though, i shouldn’t be with her if i’m not as happy as i should be with her.

“You’re right. I shouldn’t be with her. I’m gonna tell her.”

We both exist the car and i quickly change into a pair of sweatpants and a plain olive green hoodie. I grab the car keys and yell in the general direction of where i believe Josh is,

“I’ll be back soon. Wish me luck.”

“Good luck” He yells back.

I finally message Jenna back.

Me: “I’m free right now. “

Jen: “ Meet me halfway at our usual spot, should be there in a flash.”

The Flash. How i desperately wish i was back in Josh’s bed watching him stare eagerly at the show and i close my eyes trying to l relive the moment. I start the car and pull out of the driveway making my way towards the halfway point between Ohio and Chicago, a small Motel 6 in the center of Indianapolis.

~

I arrive at the very familiar Motel and begin to panic at the thought of seeing Jenna again. Afraid of what she might say to me or how we might handle things. Scanning the parking lot for Jenna’s off white 2006 Chevy Cruze, i catch a glimpse of man with ruby red hair smoking. I immediately know it’s not Josh, but i decide to exit my car and check either way. He’s thin and is wearing a bright blue hoodie with green jeans, not something Josh would normally wear. I begin to walk away when the off-white car pulls in the parking lot. My heart starts pounding. I wait for her to get out of her car, and become confused on how should i approach her. Should i hug her? No that’s weird...Handshake? Too formal. A soft, sweet voice interrupts my thoughts.

“Hey” She looks down at her feet-not wanting to make eye contact with me

“Hey”

We both walk towards the main office where we are greeted by the only person in the lobby.

“Hello. How can i help y'all today?” A nasally voice begins.

“Hi, we need a room for tonight. Do you have anything available?” Jenna asks her politely even though we both know the answer.

“Well you’re in luck, we have three rooms available. Will a standard room work for the both of you?”

“That’s fine. Thank you.”

The woman begins to type away at her keyboard and gives us two keys to room 301, our usual room. We walk towards our room silently. As Jenna unlocks the door we are both greeted with the very, very strong scent of lavender air freshener and a variety of orange hues all across the room. I decide to sit on the bed and stare at the ceiling, not completely certain on how to fill the awkward tension in the room.

“How are you?” She asks breaking the silence.

  
“Could be better.” I answer nonchalantly. “ How are you?”

“I don’t know, okay i guess.”

A pause, both of us unsure on how we should begin talking about our situation. I look around the room and see all the familiar features of this room. The little mints they leave on the desk with no computer. The small coffee machine with a small cup near it, as if you would make coffee here. I find myself laughing at all the little characteristics of the room that aren’t important but make it charming.

Jenna’s eyebrows furrow in confusion on what i appear to be laughing at.

“I’m sorry...I just-i think it’s so funny how we always end up in this room. Room 301, and how it always looks exactly the same.”

She doesn’t say anything. She walks towards the bed and sits next to me sighing, her head tilting down towards the floor while she rests it in her hands. I get tired of this uneasiness between us so i decide to just say what i'm thinking.

“Why did you ask me to come here, Jenna?”

“I don’t know. I thought-maybe if we talked we can figure out what’s going on between us.”

Another pause. She grabs my hands, then continues.

“What do you want from me? What do you want from us, tyler?”

“ Happiness.” I respond. “I want us to be happy... but i don’t think we can do that together. At least not now. ”

Her hands don’t move from mine. She closes her eyes slowly and squeezes them for a second, trying to hold back any tears and thinking carefully on what to say next.

“If that’s what you want. ” she whispers carefully.

“It is. But i need you to know Jenna, that i love you. Maybe not in the way you are hoping but you mean so much to me and i can’t think of losing you. So maybe for now we’ll give each other soom room or something but i need you. I need you to be here for me and be a friend. Is that okay?” I ask sincerely.

She pulls me into a hug and squeezes me a little too tight, but i don’t protest. I don’t want her to let go. Jenna was usually the strong one in the relationship, constantly helping me with my depression and anxiety when it got bad, and right now all i want is to stay here with her in her embrace, her warmth and the familiarness of it all. I feel her erratic breathing and pull her in closer to my body, she’s sobbing. We both fall back onto the bed and i keep her close to me.

“I’m sorry” I coo, slowly rubbing her back. I feel a small tear falling down the side of my face down towards my ear. She pulls away slightly placing her forehead on mine. Her lips press against my cheek slowly.

“I love you so much. Don’t you ever forget that.” She whispers to me. “But i’m gonna need sometime to stop loving you before we can become friends, Ty. I don’t know if i ever will stop loving you and i don’t know if i even want to but-i’m just gonna need some time. okay?”

“That’s fine, Jen. Anything for you.” I respond. I turn to face her slowly and remember exactly why i fell for her. She’s so stunning and remarkable even when she’s doing the simplest thing. I tilt her chin up slightly and smile at her letting her know that it’s all going to be okay, then i catch myself slowly leaning forward, brushing my lips on hers, then all at once our lips reunite in what feels like forever since they’ve been together. She flinches back a bit unsure of how she should react but soon reciprocates the kiss. We start slow and careful as if it were our first, my free hand cups her face and i pull her in close. The speed and the force of the kiss begin to shift drastically as her tongue starts to slip its way into my mouth, trying to taste every inch. This is wrong. Every inch of my body knows it’s wrong, well except for one part, but i can’t stop. i can’t seem to think straight. .

My hand starts to trail her body and make their way towards her ass, groping it and digging my nails in slightly. Her breath hitches and begins to bruise my bottom lip with each kiss. She pulls off her shirt and sits on top of me rolling her hips slightly. I begin to slowly thrust my hips up letting her know how desperately i need her. I swiftly slip off my hoodie leaving my bare chest exposed, pull her body in, and start to form purple bruises across her neck down to her breasts. I take one hand place it on the small of her back causing her to bend over slightly while i grind my hips faster causing her to whimper.

We both slide our pants off as quickly as possible and i lay her down while i hover over her slightly. My lips start to leave bruises all the way down to her hips. I make my way towards her panties and quickly move my hand underneath the waistband to take them off of her. Her face flushing with a rosy color, leaving her exposed. Spaying my hands across her body, i make my way back up to her face and place a kiss firmly on her lips. I slowly begin to insert the head of my cock into her. She lets out a small gasp. With every thrust a new noise escapes her mouth. She rocks her hips back and forth trying to catch the rhythm in which i'm moving. I Place my hands on both sides of her hips and begin pulling her as far down my cock as i can. I place small kisses onto her cheek down the side of her face and make my way down to her ear slightly tugging at it causing her to whimper. “Oh god, yes.” She cries out. “God….faster...please” She’s close to finishing. She wraps her legs around my waist desperately pleading for more. “Josh” i whisper almost inaudibly. My eyes widen at realization at whose name i just moaned. I decide to speed things up and i being to move faster as i know i'm already on the edge. She vocalizes ”oh...yes…..tyler...yes” and begins growing tense. Her voices hitches and she arches her back slightly, breathing heavily. I'm about to come and quickly slide out of her jacking myself off for a split second before leaving the sticky substance across her stomach. I sigh in relief and try to catch my breath. I then get a tissue to clean up Jenna’s messy stomach.

As i return from throwing away the tissue i catch Jenna still and asleep in the bed. I decide to leave her there and pick up my underwear and sweatpants and change quickly in the bathroom. As i'm done i catch my reflection in the mirror, my eyes are puffy and glazed over. A tear trickles down my face as i just realize the selfish act that had just happened. I came here to break up with her and someone how i end up having sex with her?

_You’re a terrible person._

_I know i am. Even the voices in my head agree that what i’ve done is a terrible thing._

_You need to leave before she wakes up_.

I wipe the tears streaming down my face and cautiously open the bathroom door, not waking Jenna. I grab my hoodie and pull it over my head while grabbing my car keys from the computerless desk. I can’t just leave her without any explanation though. I came here to break up with her and even though we did what we just did my feelings haven’t changed.

_You’re such a whore. How dare you use her._

My eyes fill with tears-blurring my vision. I quickly grab the notepad that is left at the edge of the desk and pull out a pen from one of the drawers and begin writing.

“Jenna,  
I'm so sorry i did this. This was a mistake. I shouldn’t have slept with you, but i meant what i said when i said i need you. I do need you Jenna, and i don’t know if after this you’ll be able to forgive me, or even ever want to talk to me, but i do still want to be friends if that’s ever possible. I know i won’t hear from you for a while after this because i wouldn’t want to talk to me either, i’m despicable but i hope that sometime in the future things will get better for us. I’m a jerk, i know and i understand if you hate me and never want to talk to me again. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. I truly wish you the best. I want happiness for you. I want happiness for me. I love you, Don’t you ever forget that Ms. Believer. ~Ty”

I put the pen down and grab the door handle hesitantly. I close my eyes and take a deep breath as i open the door gently and exit room 301. I put my hoodie on as it begins to drizzle outside and make my way to the parking lot. Sobbing, i start the car and look at the room once more before pulling out of the drive way and making my way back to Chicago.

_You don’t deserve to be happy ever._

_She’ll never talk to you and you’re going to lose her, the “only person who really understands you.”_

_Then you’ll get what’s coming to you._

_Then you’ll really be alone just like you always were._

_Just like you should be._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> im just gonna leave that there...
> 
>  
> 
> School starts on three days :(


	6. Hope in Hospitals

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So to not confuse you guys, the italicized words that are separate from the paragraphs are tyler's "voice" in his head.

I’m back home now. It’s 1:34 in the morning and i have never felt more awake. 

 

_ You left. I can’t believe you actually made it back home alive. I would’ve thought you would’ve crashed with all your cry baby tears in the way.  _

 

I unlock the front door and turn on the light, illuminating the living room area. I stare blankly at my surroundings.  _ God how could i just use her. Why did i use her? I’m so stupid.  _ My breathing starts to hitch and my body is shaking. The room is spinning. My heart hurts and i can't catch my breath and i feel like i'm falling into abyss  of thoughts and emotions. This pain in my chest. The tightness of my lungs. I can’t breathe. I need to calm down but i just begin to panic more. I start to scream. I need to believe that i can still breathe. That i am still here. That this isn’t a dream. I scream so loudly as my face turns bright red and waste as little breathe i have left in my lungs. I fall to the floor and just lay there still screaming. My head starts to ache and i feel dizzy. My eyes are pouring out tears. I’m surprised i even have any left from how much i cried on the way here. I close my eyes and clench my jaw biting down on the inside of my cheek as hard as i can, filling it with an irony taste. My hands turn into fists and i dig my nails into the palm of my hand. 

 

“Tyler?” a voice say sleepily. 

 

I ignore the voice, but the voices in my head start to gain control.

 

_ You’re weak. _

 

_ This isn’t a dream you idiot, this is real life. _

 

_ Keeping hurting yourself.   _

 

_ Then maybe i'll finally get rid of you. _

 

My body goes limp. Everything's blank and black and gone. A muffled voice cries out. “Oh my god Tyler you’re bleeding. Tyler can you hear me? TYLER!” i can no longer move or feel anything.

 

~

 

“He’s going to be fine, but I want to keep him here over night. “ an unfamiliar voices says. He seems to be talking to someone but i can’t make out who.

 

I slowly open my eyes and am unaware of where  i am. I open my mouth to speak but my throat is too dry to properly make out any type of noise. My eyes close once more.

 

 

~

 

“Tyler  you need to be okay. Please be okay.” A gently voice whispers to me.

 

I fell my hand being squeezed every few moments. I groggily reopen my eyes and make a out blurry image of a boy with frizzy red hair with his head down.. I swallow and try to speak but fail once again. 

 

“Josh” i make a sound barely recognizable but it catches his attention. He immediately shoots up and looks at me scanning my face as to see if i'm really awake. 

 

“Water” i croak. 

 

“Oh yes right” He frantically searches the room for a the pitcher of water, a cup, and a straw. He places it to my hand but i can barely move without shaking. He holds the the towards my mouth and i take a sip. 

 

“Thank you” i say weakly. “Looks like you had a rough night.” I say jokingly but getting no response or laugh.

 

“How are you?”  he frets. 

 

“Well” i begin to lift the sheet that i am under and am surprised to see that i am wearing a hospital gown. “I am currently very free and breezy in this polka dotted gown. So i guess i’d say i’ve never been better.” I state sarcastically. 

 

“Tyler, i'm serious.” The concern in his face tells me that he doesn’t want to hear my jokes right now, but an explanation.

 

“I’m okay. I’ve been better. But you being here helps.” I admit. 

 

He lets out a small sigh, looking towards the floor.

 

“Tyler...what happened last night?” 

 

I let go of his hand that i hadn’t noticed was still connected to mine and try to explain to him how i slept with Jenna but didn’t mean to and then leave her with a half ass note and really no explanation. 

 

“I-I did something terrible josh.” a small tear trickles down my face. “And i don’t think things will ever be okay.”   
  


“Tyler, i know you. You would never hurt anyone intentionally and i'm sure that whatever happened, will fix itself.”

 

“No josh you don’t get it.” I whisper trying to stay calm. “I went to go see Jenna and-and” I begin to sob. “I tried to explain to her that I didn’t want to be with her and that i just want to be friend-god i messed.”

 

“How did you mess up tyler? You told her how you felt right?”

 

“Yes but i didn’t exactly show her that.” I say in-between my hitched breaths. “She started crying and i felt terrible for being the reason she's crying and i tried comforting her and one thing led to another and” I stop myself from telling him what i did, afraid of what he’d think of me or what he’d say.

 

“And what tyler? “ He pleads.

 

“And I slept with her… and i didn’t mean to and i knew it was wrong but i couldn’t stop myself and then the voices….they taunted me and...i lost control. I left her in the hotel with a note telling her that i still didn’t want to be with her because she didn’t make me happy.”  I refuse to look up at him because i don’t want to see the bewildered, disgusted look i believe he has on his face. I sob into my hands and i start shaking. 

 

I feel two strong, broad arms wrap themselves around me tightly trying to comfort me. I try to push him off of me because i do not want his pity. I deserve to feel this way but i'm too weak to keep struggling and i let him. I embrace him and continue to sob into his shoulder. 

 

“I remember the entire car ride how much i hated myself and when i came home i-i guess i just lost it and couldn’t handle the amount of guilt i had. And i’m sorry. I’m sorry i’m here. I’m sorry that i did this to jenna. I’m sorry that you had to take me to this damn hospital. I’m sorry you wasted so much time on a worthless person like me. I’m so sorry.”

 

“Shh, just relax okay.” He coos. He doesn’t know what to say or what to tell me because he knows how bad things are right now with me and i don’t think he believes that i could be such a despicable person. 

 

_ He’s gonna leave you now. _

 

_ He can’t trust you.  _

 

_ He thinks that If you left jenna then you can easily leave him.  _

 

_ You’re never going to be happy and pretty soon you’ll be here again on your way to a hole in the ground.  _

 

I unintentionally dig my nails hard into Josh’s shoulders and he winces slightly. I close my eyes as tight as possible. I don’t want to open my eyes, and i certainly don’t want to be in this hospital. 

 

“Look tyler. You need some rest. The doctor will be here in a few hours and he said that you can go home later today. We can talk about this later okay?” I don’t say anything as i leave his embrace. I lay back down on the bed and stare at the painting on the wall that shows a garden of a variety of flowers with a big bold font in cursive saying  _ Hope. _ I have finally gotten a sign from these off-white walls and have never felt more hopeless and weak. I lay there still and refuse to close my eyes. I refuse to hope.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> School is a hassle and it's barely started. i haven't been able to really write much and have any free time to do anything really but i hope these chapters aren't terrible. I hope i didn't make tyler seem to childish but he has good reason and his reaction.


	7. coffee tables with awkward tensions

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Short filler chapter

I stay awake and stare at the reflective black screen of the small tv in the corner of the room. The nurse, a thin, ginger haired woman named Michelle, comes in to tell me that the doctor will release me in 3 hours after they run so more tests and place staples into the wound on the left side of my head. I never even noticed the shooting pain i had from last night from the coffee table until after she told me. I must’ve just thought it was my anxiety and the pain i was inflicting on myself that caused my head trauma.

 

Josh is no longer in the room with me. He decided that it’s best to get some real food for the both of us. I am left here with the annoying sound of doctors and nurses and outgoing/incoming patients throughout the halls of the hospital.  I don’t like hospitals. They’re filled with dark and depressing people, and memories, and they reek of  anxiety, fear, sickness, confusion, uncertainty and helplessness. But as much as I hate it, I _am_ strangely comfortable with these feelings and these people. 

 

The doctor, a tall arabic man, enters the room with a slow walk and starts with a steady tone,

 

“Hi Tyler. How are you feeling?” 

 

I am tired of this question that everyone feels the urge to ask me every time they see me.

 

“Fine” I reply flatly. 

 

“I’m glad to hear.” He can tell that I am not in the mood for small talk and gets right to the point. “Tyler we need to talk about what happened last night. You have a pretty big wound on the side of your head. Do you know how you got it?”

 

“Um, no not exactly. I just remember falling near my coffee table, i don’t remember hitting my head. I was pretty unaware of what was happening that night. “

 

“Tyler, i want to recommend you to a therapist, he’s the best in Ohio and he’s helped with lots of people who are also dealing with depression and anxiety.” 

 

I stare blankly at him. How am i going to afford therapy visits when josh and i can barely pay rent for our two bedroom apartment. 

 

“Look i just want to recommend you see someone about your condition. I don’t want to see you hurt yourself again Tyler. And if you choose not to go then i want to prescribe you some medication to help you.”

 

I let him trail off as i stare at the door aimlessly. I don’t want to talk to anyone. Why would i want a stranger telling me all the things i could be doing better in my life when the thoughts in my head already tell me enough,

 

_ Yeah. why would you ever want to get rid of me tyler? I’m the only one who’s been by your side for so long. I’d bet you’d miss me bringing you down and making you feel like the worthless piece of shit you are.  _

 

I try to ignore the thoughts forming at the moment but they seem to be partially right. They’re the only thing that has been constant in my life. A constant reminder of who i’m dealing with on the inside, all my insecurities and doubts. It’s as if i'm shaking his hand in agreement to let him torture me, but i keep two fingers behind my back crossed because i refuse to let it win. 

 

~

Three hours have passed and by this time the doctor has already placed 5 staples on the side of my head and am currently putting on my clothes that don’t expose my behind. As i exist the fairly small bathroom i see a curly red haired boy making its way down the hall to my room. 

 

“Hey Ty, you ready to go?” He says with a half smile. 

 

“God i have never been more prepared.” 

 

Josh places a hand over my shoulder and walks with me towards the exist of the hospital, down to the parking garage. The drive home is quick and quiet. No words spoken and no thoughts shared. The sky is filled with dark grey clouds and a boom of thunder echoes in the air. I sit quietly in the living room with a bug of scorching hot cocoa in my hand, sipping it trying not to burn the tip of my tongue. Josh sits in the couch across from me examining my every move. I swear i can hear the crickets chirp from how silent everything is. It becomes unbearable to handle this extreme silence. 

 

“How can i help you Josh?” I taunted. 

 

“I just-wanted to make sure you’re doing okay is all.” I can sense he isn't just here to check up on me even though he partially is. 

 

“Well i'm okay as you can see. Is there any other reason you’re watching me drink hot chocolate at 11:30 ?” 

 

“Look I just-I know it's none of my busy but-i think- you should-i don’t know just” He stammers.

 

“Please, Just say it Josh.”

 

He lets out a small sigh while trying to form a coherent statement.

 

“The doctor told me about how you should see a therapist and take medication, and i know it's none of my business on what you choose to do but tyler i think either one of these could really help you, especially right now. I don’t ever want to wake up to the sight of you bleeding and unconscious. I don’t know what i would’ve done if you weren’t okay tyler. You’re family and friends need you.  _ I need you _ . And i just want you to be okay.”

 

It takes me a moment before i am able to respond to Josh’s comment. I realize that maybe what he is saying is true and i understand his concern for me. If i was in his position and i found him, i would be doing anything for him to see someone so he could get better. I decide that i’d rather talk to someone to get help. 

 

“Okay, you’re right. I'll see someone. I don’t know how ill afford these sessions, but i’m willing to give it a shot.”

  
Josh’s facially expression changes instantly. His face becomes lighter and a sincere smile forms on his face. He walks over to me and cups his hands on my cheeks while giving me a light kiss on my head. I feel the couch sink down a bit as he joins me and places a hand over me. I rest my head on his shoulder while he slowly runs his fingers through my hair. Everything is quiet again but this time there is no awkward tension. There is no staring. There is only peace and lovely thoughts in the arms of a boy i care deeply about.  The room becomes dark and suddenly and slowly i’m asleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The first week of school is finally over with. Im already mentally and physically drained. I'm not sure how i'm gonna make it this year. Also i thought it might be a good idea of doing a chapter in Josh's POV buy I'm not sure yet. We'll see.


	8. Waffles and Maddy

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just a filler chapter, nothing too special.

I’m awake. Wide awake and staring deeply at Josh. His eyes still closed. His eyelashes lay slightly curved and his breathes even. He's snoring slightly but not loud. I wrap myself deeper in his body and rest my head on his chest. He's so warm and kind. Sometimes it just hits me how lucky I am to have found Josh. I was in a really bad place before I met him my sophomore year. We had an odd friendship the both of us. Our families became best friends along the way as well. We spent so much time together it was impossible for our families not to get along. I miss my family in Ohio, but I wouldn't go back. Columbus did us good but we had bigger dreams and aspirations and Chicago gave Josh an opportunity to chase those so of course I followed along. I love it here actually. The weathers very similar to Ohio but for some reason I like it better here, especially right now. The fall is my favorite, seeing everything change colors letting you know that summer is ending and winter is beginning. Maybe it's the city that makes it better. 

 

“Hey sleepy head” a sluggish voice interrupts my thoughts. 

 

“Hey” I respond looking up at the ruby haired boy.

 

“You okay? How'd you sleep” 

 

“Like a baby” I say with a small laugh

 

“Are you hungry? I could make you…waffles?” 

 

“Josh they're frozen waffles. They're already made.” I laugh

 

“Hey if you have to microwave them then you're making them.” He protests. 

 

He begins to get up but I stop him. 

 

“Don't. Not yet. Can we just lay here for a little more, please?” I plead.

 

“Oh” he says surprised but then smiles and nods embracing me once more. I close my eyes and take in a deep breath indulging Josh's smell, laundry detergent and I'm guessing some new cologne. I smile slightly from the familiarness of the scent. I missed him. He's been here the whole time but I still miss him. I feel lost without him.

 

I finally let go and allow him to “make” the waffles. Josh and I usually have Tuesday off due to his charm and good relationship with the manager. It makes it easy for us have the same days off.

 

I sit at the small table we have in our kitchen and wait as Josh serves me three warm waffles with syrup covering every hole. 

 

“Jeez put enough syrup?” I joked.

 

“There's a reason they gave so many square holes ya know.” 

 

I chuckle and devour the food in seconds suddenly realizing how hungry I was.

 

I wash my plate and clean up whatever mess Josh manages to make while placing a sweltering cup of coffee for him on the table. 

 

“Black coffee, just like you like it” I say with a wink. 

 

Ha giggles while taking a sip of his cup. 

 

“Hey so I'm I know today's our day off but-I was hoping that maybe you could help me find someone-a therapist today. If you're up for it. You don't have to.” I ask frantically.

 

“Yea I course I'll help you.” He gets up out of his seat and wraps to broad arms around me, I'm immediately hit with his scent and I close my eyes trying to take in as much of him as I can, wrapping my hands around his lower back. 

 

“I'd do anything for you Tyler. You know that right?” 

 

“Yea I know.”I answer weakly.

 

We stay like this for a while before we return back to our morning chores. 

 

\--------------------

We spent most of the afternoon trying to find someone who I can talk to but I'm dreading seeing any of them. I have problems yes and what happened the other day was bad but I don't feel like talking to anyone.I know I should try for Josh but if anything I'd rather talk to him about my problems. I don't want to talk to a stranger and have them analyze every single thought I have. 

 

_ Buzz. Buzz.  _ I look towards my phone and see my sister Madison is calling. 

 

“Hello?” I answer

 

“Tyler? Oh my god how are you I just heard you were in the hospital. How come you didn't tell me? Are you okay? What happened?” She continues to bombard me with questions and I patiently waited for her to finish. 

 

“Maddy. Are you done now?” 

 

“Yes yes I am now please answer!”

 

“Okay well I didn't want to tell you because I didn't want to bother you guys and-” 

 

“Bother us? Tyler you being in the hospital and you calling to tell us is not bothering is its informing us. we have a right to know” 

 

“Okay Maddy please listen. I'm fine okay I just have a small concussion and some staples and I'm okay. I'm gonna see someone soon and they're gonna help me.” 

 

“Oh Tyler, well I'm glad you're going to see someone, and gross send me a picture of those staples.” 

 

I laugh at the response. She's always been a little weird but that's why we got along so well. We continue to talk for about an hour catching up on what's been going on in each other's life. She's grown so much and I hate that I've missed out on so many of her basketball games and her life and seeing her go to the dance but I'm just happy that we're still as close as before. We start to end the near of the conversation.

 

“Hey Maddy?”

 

“Yea, Ty?”

 

“Can you do me a favor?”

 

“Of course. What is it?”

 

“Can you-you not tell mom about what happened to me please?”

 

“Ty I don't know if I could do that she'd kill me if I knew and didn't tell her her baby boy got hurt” she joked but I could tell she meant what she said.

 

“I know but if you tell her she'll make me go back thinking that i can't take care of myself and I love it here Maddy. I really do and I love being on my own and here with Josh.”

 

“I guess. Ty can I ask you a question?”

 

“I think i already used that line” I joke

 

“What's going on between you and josh?”

 

“Nothing why?”

 

“Tyler I saw Jenna yesterday...she looked upset really upset. And when she saw me she was..awkward. She's never awkward with me and when I confronted her about it she just ignored the question totally and said to talk to you about it.”

 

“Um.. we broke up and I did something stupid but-I don't get how this has to relate with Josh?”

 

“I know you love him Tyler. I can tell by the way you look at him and when you talked about him at the dinner table you always had this gleam in your eye. And maybe I'm wrong but I just thought that the reason you and Jenna broke up was because of Josh?” 

 

“I don't know. I do love him of course but that's not the exact reason why I broke up with Jenna. I just couldn't see myself with her anymore."

 

"Oh"

 

an awkward silence hits the conversation

 

"Maddy?”

 

“Yeah?”

 

“What do I do if...if I  _ am _ in love with him? Do you think he loves me back? What if he doesn't and I just mistake his kindness for love? What if-”

 

I'm suddenly cut off from all the  _ what ifs? _ Filling my mind.

 

“Tyler, that boy loves you. He's so in love with you it's crazy. Just talk to him Tyler, see where it leads and if I doesn't work out well then I'll beat him up” 

 

We both laugh. My mind is overwhelmed with the images of me and josh being together and i can't seem to stop smiling at the thought of it. 

 

“It was good talking to you Maddy. I love you but I gotta go okay?”

 

“Alright well You gotta call me again sometime Tyler. I miss you and maybe I'll surprise you and go up and visit you soon. Fill me in if anything new happens.” 

 

“Promise I will. Bye”

 

“Bye”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So i'm thinking of doing the next chapter in Josh's POV hopefully you guys will like it. 
> 
>  
> 
> Second week of school is finally over and im already almost failing a class lol its gonna be a great year.


	9. The Unexpected yet highly anticipated date

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Another small chapter. This is in Josh's POV during Tylers call with maddy last chapter.

** Josh’s POV **

Tyler leaves to his room and as I grab a snack from the kitchen I hear him talking on the phone to someone. It's not his mother, he usually sounds annoyed or has a monotone when speaking to her, not because he's rude but because she asks the same questions every time she calls. No, the person he is talking to is lively and friendly. 

 

“Maddy c’mon”

 

Maddy. One of the three of Tyler's younger siblings. She's always been the baby of the house (even if she isn't the youngest) and is one of the prettiest girls I know. If I wasn't so close with the Joseph family then I probably would've gone for her, and also if i wasn't madly in love with Tyler. 

 

“ _ What does this have to do with Josh.”  _

 

Wait did he say, Josh? Me? Are they talking about me? Why would they be talking about me?  I know it's wrong but I find myself leaning in towards the wall that splits our two rooms. My ear pressed firmly on the wall and slowly steadying my breath just to hear everything carefully. I can barely hear exactly what he is saying but muffled tones. He sounds worried. 

 

“What if…..love?  What if ...me back?...” He pauses. I think he's awaiting a response from her.

 

“I love you ..gotta go.” 

 

I hear him put down his phone and giggle a little, then hear footsteps approaching. I immediately jump back on my bed and grab my phone as if I were on it the entire time and not overhearing his conversation. My heart is beating rapidly. Is he...in love with me? 

 

“Hey josh?” A soft warm voice says.

 

“Yeah?” 

 

“Do you wanna go out tonight? To go get dinner or something?” He chirps with a plastered toothy smile on his face. He looks beautiful.

 

“Oh yea-yea id love too Tyler.” My face flushes with a crimson color. 

 

“Great be ready by 7 okay?” 

 

He walks away  and my mind fills many questions. What brought him to asking me out? Is this a date? What does this mean? What if I mess up somehow and make a fool out of myself. God I'm head over heels for this boy. 

\--------------------

 

I begin to get myself ready but I'm struggling. Are we going somewhere casual? I mean he never really specified. Maybe I should ask him. But if I ask him then he's gonna think I'm overthinking everything. So many thoughts floating in my mind with so little time to catch my breath.

 

I take two deep breaths in and out just like I've been told. I've been told to do this when I'm overwhelmed since I was a child. My parents have always told me to take things slow and carefully when I don't know how to react to something. To not to do something drastic and to always think things carefully. They’ve always been overprotective but understanding all at once. 

 

I decide to put on black ripped jeans, a blue v-neck shirt layered with a white flannel. Not too dressy not too casual. I put on some black sk8 high vans and sit patiently in my bed waiting for Tyler to let me know he’s ready. 

 

I peek my head out of my room and have a clear visual of the living room. No sign of him. Maybe he’s still getting ready. I set back on my bed fall back staring at the ceiling. I feel my chest rise and sink slowly while my heart almost bursts out of my chest. I grab my phone from my back pocket and see the very bright screen display 6:50 p.m. 

 

I get anxious and decide to walk towards the living room and await tyler there. I'm so nervous. Why am i so nervous? It’s not like we haven’t gone out together before but i don’t know, it feels different. 

 

“Josh, you ready?” 

 

I look at tyler he's absolutely stunning. He’s wearing black jeans with a black muscle tee that reaches past his waist and is layered with a flower kimono, an outfit that only he would be able to pull off. 

 

“Uh yea-yea I'm ready.”  I stutter completely awestruck by his beauty. I feel the heat rise in my face as the Crimson color begins to fill in my cheeks once again. 

 

I bite my lip slightly and stare a little too obviously as Tyler makes his way towards the front door. 

 

“Are you coming or are you gonna keep making staring at me?” He asks jokingly. 

 

I giggle and walk towards him exiting the apartment. The cold crisp air hits me immediately causing goosebumps to form. I ignore them and head straight for the car. We both enter and the leather seats send a chill up my spine I shiver slightly. I see tyler shiver and i grab a sweater I always leave in the backs seat of the car and give it to him. He grabs it and places it over his kimono for the moment. The heat from the car causes the goosebumps and shivering to fade but causes small beads of sweat to form. I don't mind it.  As Tyler makes his way towards our destination I notice a sliver of concern in his face as if he's nervous about something . I place my hand on his thigh and move my thumb in small circles trying to comfort Him. He turns to me quickly while still trying to pay attention to the road and smiles weakly at me.

 

“You okay there ty?” I ask concerned 

 

“Yea I'm fine, I just-you look really nice and I look like crap and I just hope you like where we're going” 

 

“Tyler you look great I can promise you that. And as long as I'm with you I don't care where we are going.” I smile at him

 

~

 

We arrive at a fancy Italian restaurant that seems to be pretty busy. We walk towards the entrance and are surrounded by the many eyes of the people waiting patiently to be seated. I hate being watched so I look down at my shoes and try to stay close to Tyler. Tyler approaches the hostess a short brown eyed girl with braces, probably about 18 years old

 

“Hi I made a reservation a few hours ago for Tyler Joseph.”

 

“Oh sir we had to give your table away. You weren't here when we called your name so we sat someone else there.”

 

“I made the reservation for 7:30 and right now it's 7:35. I am five minutes late. You couldn't wait five minutes before you gave my table away?” He responds with fury and annoyance in his eyes. 

 

“Sir as you can tell we are very busy. I'm sorry but we needed to seat others if you were not present.”

 

Tyler walks away. His face is bright red with anger and disappointment. I grab his hand and walk with him towards the exit and back to our car. He lets go of my hand and enters the car and slams the door before I'm able to say anything to him. 

 

“This is so stupid!. I mean I was five minutes late and they couldn't fricking wait?! This is complete….DIPCRAP!” He yells unsure if that is the appropriate word to use. 

 

I laugh slightly at the use of the word “dipcrap” 

 

“Tyler, hey. It's okay. We don't have to eat here okay? We can eat anywhere. I don't mind.”

 

“But I wanted to eat here. I wanted tonight to be fun and special and to be nice for once instead of eating fast food.”

 

“I know” I grab his hand once more and give it a small squeeze. “I know you did and I appreciate that but right now everything's gonna be packed. And I'm kinda in the mood for a burger.”

 

He looks at me and smiles weakly. The low rays of light from the street lamp lay across his face shaping it perfectly. Defining every part of him, how the bridge of his nose is slightly curved. How his lips are plump and perfectly round. His hair ruffled and messily, leaning towards the left side of his face. His eyes a dark whiskey color with slight speckles of a golden color near the center that glisten whenever he's talks about his Music is or something he cares about. The little crinkle the corner of his mouth makes when he smiles and how his teeth aren't perfectly straight. I admire him. Every inch of him and try to remember every detail of his face in this very moment because he is breath taking.  He bites his lip and leans in closer to me. His eyes wandering from my eyes down to my lips. He looks back up at me as in approval and places a soft kiss on my lips. I close my eyes and reciprocate keeping the kiss gentle and sweet. Tasting his vanilla Chapstick he must have applied sometime earlier. I move away slightly but he soon places his hand around my neck trying to keep me close. He swiftly moves from his seat to my lap and sits there uncomfortably. The kiss is becoming more intense but as soon as we try to continue my stomach makes a grumbling noise out of hunger.

 

_ Grrrgh  _

 

He immediately pulls away and laughs tilting his head back. 

 

“Well I can see that your stomach is very impatient.” 

 

I look down at my stomach and whisper  “ damnit You just had to ruin the moment didn't you.” 

  
Tyler giggles at the conversation with my stomach as he returns to the driver's seat. I look at him once more and press our lips together again, more forcefully now, hopefully letting him get the hint that this isn't over. Tyler begins the car and makes his way towards the closest burger place, Kuma's Corner. I can tell this is going to be the beginning of a beautiful yet very complicated relationship between the both of us. I need this boy, and he needs me. I just hope we both realize that sooner than later. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I'm going to let you know now that I'm not gonna post for a while. I've just been so drained and am emotionally mentally and physically tired. I will update this but probably not as frequent as i have been. I think i like writing in Josh's POV so ill probably do it again soon. Love y'all. Stay alive friends.


	10. Fairy Lights

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is still in Josh's POV

We arrive at the burger place and sit outside in a small patio area. Thousands of small fairy lights are cleverly placed on the outlining of the patios railing and the surrounding tables. The place isn’t as busy as the other place, infact this place is rather empty. We place our order and i catch myself staring at tyler again. I can’t get enough of him. I can spend all day with him and never get tired.

 

“Maddy called me today.”

 

“Oh did she?” I ask as if i didn’t overhear their conversation earlier this afternoon.

 

“Yeah, She was upset that i didn’t tell her about me going to the hospital and what not.”

 

“Tyler...you didn’t tell them?”

 

“No...i didn’t want to. At least not my parents but i mean i told Maddy what happened. I don’t have to tell them everything ya know?”

 

“I know but tyler don’t you think the next time you go visit or they come over they’re gonna notice the line of hair missing from your head?” I respond pointing at the shaved part of Tyler’s head.

 

“Ill just tell them that im trying a new hairstyle or something they’re oblivious to things trust me.”

 

“Ah yes, because the newest trend is shaving only a small chunk of your hair, preferably in the back of your head.” I joke.

 

“It's what all the kids are doing now.” He lets out a small laugh.

 

We finish eating and as we await for the check a lingering question keeps popping up in my head blocking any other coherent thought from forming. _Why did he want to take me out? Was this a date?_ A silly question that shouldn’t matter but i can't help but wonder. I mean if it is then i couldn’t be more ecstatic because it's gone amazingly besides the minor set back. But if i ask and am wrong then that sets us in an awkward position for the both of us, for me implying and overanalyzing the situation, and for him, making him think that i wanted this to be a date. We pay for our meal and head back towards the car. I try to keep myself involved with Tyler’s conversation about something he saw on T.V. the other day or something like that but i can’t stop thinking about those two questions and the two possible responses i’d get if i ask.

 

“-what do you think Josh?”

 

I look towards him quickly trying to think of a response to make him believe that i was paying attention.

 

“Oh yea definitely.”

 

He looks at me with wide eyes and a face as in disbelief at how i responded.

 

“Really?” He says crossing his arms and tilting his head slightly as in disbelief. “You think i should do it then.”

 

“If that’s what you want.” I still haven’t the slightest idea of what i have agreed too.

 

“So you think its a good idea for me to get a tattoo of a Justin Timberlake on my neck then?”

 

I turn to him quickly, in shock from topic of the discussion and burst out laughing. My neck hanging back in laughter as my vision becomes blurry and my stomach is hurting from the image that has formed of Justin Timberlake on the side of Tyler’s neck.

 

“I knew it! I knew you weren’t listening.” He says whilst  in mid laughter.

 

“I can’t believe you would even ask that.”

 

“I had to know if you were listening or not.”

 

“I still think you should do it.” I admit.

 

He rolls his eyes and tries to hide the smile that is slowly forming.

 

As we begin to drive i finally give in to asking him. I can’t help it. i need to know if this was a date or us just hanging out. As i open my mouth to speak, tyler interrupts,

 

“Josh?”

 

“Yeah?”

 

“Did you have fun tonight?”

 

“Of course i did. Did you?”

 

“Tons.” he admits

 

A small pause.

 

“Tyler?”

 

“Josh”

 

“What was this?” The words just slip from mouth so easily.

 

“What do you mean?” He asks unsure.

 

“I mean did you ask me out to go and eat because you were hungry or because you were hoping to find the answer to something?”

 

“I-i asked you out because, i want something more josh.” He whispers as if he doesn’t want me to hear.

 

“You wanted something more, Between us?” I respond.

 

The car comes to a stop. We are pulled into the driveway to our apartment building. I can see the low glow of a light we left on somewhere in there. I look back towards tyler waiting for him to respond. His eyes looking down avoiding eye contact.

 

“Is that bad?” He mumbles.

 

I place one hand under his chin and lift it slowly to meet my gaze. I shake my head and smile sincerly, admiring his dark whiskey eyes once more. I place my forehead on his.

 

“It’s the best thing that could happen to us yet.”

  
My eyes meet his and i glance down at the plump pink lips that are a breath away. I bite my lip and then slowly place ours together, gently and swiftly. I place my free hand on the back of his neck to try and bring him closer. I need him. I need this boy, my best friend, my more than best friend. He makes me feel whole. He creates a world of color when everything around me seems grey. He is the one reason why i’m actually living here in Chicago instead of my parents basement. He is the boy i immediately fell in love with since the first day i met him. The only boy or person for that matter to make my heart flutter when i think of him. For me to lose my breath whenever he looks at me. For me to actually see a future with someone and being happy with them forever. He is the reason i am here in this crappy car that smells like dust and dirt and thinking of all of these chessy thoughts. I couldn’t care less about where i am as long as he's near me, as long as i can hold him and kiss him like i am here right now. I wouldn’t trade this for the world.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So um things are kinda rough right now but i still wanted to update with this. Im sorry for all the little filler fluffy chapters, their easier to write right now. I just need some time to deal with some things but ill try to update every two weeks or so. Stay safe friends.


	11. The notepads constant use

Tylers POV

 

“Josh?” 

 

“Yeah?” We say in-between kisses.

 

“Can we go inside now? I’m kinda cold” I giggle

 

I can feel his lips curve at the sides as he smiles and lets out a small laugh, “Of course.”

 

Before we exist the care i catch a glance of his face and see how beautiful those coffee colored eyes are and the little wrinkle he has in the corners of his eyes from smiling. Even though tonight didn’t go as planned, at least we are both happy. Happy with each other and who knows where this will lead us but ive never been more excited about the unknown then now.

 

We enter the apartment building hand and hand. A cool crisp breeze brushes against  my face and i shiver moving closer towards Josh trying to stay as warm as i can. He’s not that much taller than me but i feel much smaller compared to him. As we unlock the front door he pulls my hand and leads me towards the couch to lay with him. The couch is fairly small but we someone both manage to lay horizontally on it without falling off. I lay my head on Josh’s chest and feel his steady breathing. The smell of laundry detergent and his cologne linger around my nose. The house is empty and quiet. No sounds. no noises. It's peaceful. I look up at him and see his eyes are closed and how they flutter ever so slightly. The corners of my lips start to curve and i catch myself smiling in admiration of him.  He somehow manages to still look amazing even in his sleep. 

 

I look back towards the ceiling, The ugly popcorn ceiling, and i seem to be thanking it. Thanking it for leading it to where i am now. Here in this small couch in the arms of this lovely ruby haired boy. I thank it for leaving me alone with my thoughts and having to consider every possible outcome. I thank it for finally leading me to peace. This was something i could never achieve with Jenna. I never felt 100% certain, but right here right now i have never felt more sure about anything. He is what keeps me going, he’s the tear in my heart. That's it. inspiration hits me like a brick to the face and as i try to grab my note pad from the very familiar mahogany coffee table, i almost fall off the couch. I quickly turn my head towards to Josh to see if I’ve woken him up. He hasn’t. Not even a flinch.  I slowly slip out of his embrace and sit on the floor right next to where his head rests on the corner of the couch. I grab the nearest writing utensil which happens to be a red crayon. Not sure where it came from nor why we even have a red crayon but  i don’t seem to care right now. The words seem to slip right off of my hand and onto the paper carefully making sure that everything sounds perfect. I quietly repeat the words out with no real idea of how they will fit together. A hand slowly places itself on my cheek and shifts my head so that i stare at a very sleepy Josh. His lips meet mine and we stay like that very briefly. 

 

“How did you get down there?” his voice is raspy and tired.

 

“Oh um i kinda feel and slipped under from your arm.”

 

“You fell? You coulda told me to scoot over silly.” He chuckles

 

“I didn’t want to wake you. You looked comfortable.” 

 

I hear him try to reposition himself on the couch as i try to put the final touches on the song. 

 

“Watcha working on?” he asks curiously. 

 

“Nothing really. I just had an idea for a poem and kinda wrote it down. Maybe I'll read it to you sometime” I joke.

 

“Maybe I'll hear it soon. I love it when you show me your writings.” He whispers into my ear slowly while nibbling at the lobe causing goosebumps to form and send chills down my spine. I turn to face him and place both my hands on his cheeks pulling him closer. Familiar hands travel my body as our kisses are still passionate but tender. His taste familiar and sweet and yet i crave more. I know i shouldn’t and that i should move carefully with Josh since this is our first date, but it’s tempting. We both pull away knowing where things would lead if we continue. He places his head on my forehead and whispers

 

“I’ll see you later cutie im off too bed. You can join me if you want but one article of clothing on your body is necessary. No clothes no service” He says while getting off the couch and tilting  his head slightly, shrugging while walking towards his room. 

 

I laugh and clean up the shavings of the misspelled words and wrongly placed ones off of me and decide to sleep in my own room. Maybe he meant what he said on joining him but for right now i think it's best for me to learn how to control myself around him before i decide to jump in bed with him.

 

~

 

I lay awake. My thoughts racing around my mind as if it were some kind of race track. And the worst ones usually win. My thoughts are all scrambled like eggs on a frying pan. They span from  _ Am i good enough for him? What if he leaves me because im too broken? Im too far gone for anyway one to save me?  _ I hate these thoughts. I know they’re wrong and i know its just my self doubt but im so scared of loosing Josh. I wouldn’t be the same. Why do i do this to myself constantly. I beat myself up and have wars in my brain trying to figure who’s right and who’s wrong. I grab the closest pen and one of the many notepads i have in the apartment and begin to write once again . Write about my doubt. About my fears and insecurities. Write about every negative thought possible because if i contain anymore emotions im pretty sure ill explode. I can’t handle it all sometimes. It’s too much. 

 

I look down at the black scribbled page filled with all my feelings and feel a weight lifted off my shoulders. Sure they’re not entirely gone, but im handling it better now. I place the note pad back down and grab my tangled headphones and my phone and put on music. Any music to help me fall asleep. I put on a random playlist and place my headphones and close my eyes. The song Cold Arms by Mumford And Sons plays. Such a complex song in a 3 minute time span and yet the words hit me. Hit me hard. A small tear streams down the side of my face and that emotional connection to the song is how i wish people would feel with my music. To feel that they can relate and know that they are not alone. 

 

I can’t stand being alone in this room anymore. I can’t be left alone here with these off white walls constantly taunting me. Without much thought i exist my room and slowly and quietly open the door to josh’s room. I peek my head in carefully to make sure one, i don't wake him and two, to see if he is sleeping or not. I walk in and steadily make my towards his bed making sure not to cause the floorboards to creak. I go under the covers and lay face to face to him. His eyes closed and his breathing steady, seemingly sound asleep. I begin to close my eyes when suddenly his arm reaches out towards me and pulls me into him. He snuggles in close and my head lays on his chest. He’s so defined and perfect and im absolutely stunned im laying in bed with him here. I realize that i myself am not wearing a shirt nor pants. 

 

“Hm i’m glad you're wearing _some_ clothes.” He says sheepishly.

  
I let out a small giggle and nuzzle my self closer, laying perfectly fit into each other. As if his body was the missing piece that makes me complete. I place small peck on his lips and lay my head back down. I’m safe here in his arms. I feel safe, as if the thoughts in my head are all gone, they’ve vanished when im with him. I can finally have peace, no more wars, no more taunting off white walls. No more thoughts. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi guys how are yall doing? Another small chapter but next chapters gonna be good i swear (at least i hope!) I do and don't know where im going with this so if you ever want to give me suggestions leave a comment or DM me on twitter.


	12. You survived

A small sliver of light escapes from the curtain that is covering the window. It’s still dark out but the sky is no longer just one color. It’s a vast variety of blues and light blues mixing into the orange and yellow hues of the rising sun. It’s my favorite thing to watch, besides the very sleepy Josh who lays next to me. It's comforting To see that you’ve made it through another day. That you’ve survived. 

I turn back towards Josh and face him. We are both entangled in each others bodies. I brush back a small strand of the very faded ruby red hair out from his face. I remember when his hair was all one color, a chestnut brown with small streaks of a lighter shade. I miss it but i would never want him to change it back. I love all the colors too much, the endless possibilities. My eyes trail their way down to his nose and notice the small circular hoop that loops in and out from his nose. I remember the day he got it and how rebellious he was. How this small act was to prove his defiance towards his parents and how he wasn’t afraid to be who he was. He got in so much trouble but that day was much more than that. That was the day he confided in me to help him with this rebellious act and how we were destined to become close friends from that point on. There was no breaking our bond. Now look at us. No longer bonded by friendship although that does still apply, but rather an intimate bond and a display of it. 

I kiss his forehead and trail my way down towards his nose and meet his lips. He awakes with a smile that is no longer hidden by sleep. He opens his eyes and giggles softly. 

“I think that’s the only way im gonna wake up from now on.”  
He then gulfs me in his embrace as my head lay close to his chest. I could stay here forever i think.

“I could stay here forever ya know” I say shyly.

“If only we could, but alas the world is against us. Stupid work and therapy visits.” He turns to me quickly with hope radiating from his face. “How about we ditch work and therapy and just hang out today?”

I let out a small chuckle and shake my head. 

“No matter how much i want to,” I turn my head to face him and lay on top of him. “We can't.” He looks so brilliant in this lighting, in this position. He's so much more dominate even when i am on top of him. I sit in an upright position on his lap and begin to tease him, grinding slowly on his crotch. He lets out a low groan. He sounds amazing, so amazing and i want him so badly i don’t know how long i can hold out. 

I kiss his bare chest and trail my way back up towards his jaw and then towards his lips. We stay there for a while before i decide to finally get off and get ready. He suddenly grabs my wrist and pulls me back in for more. He kisses slowly and passionately, and then sloppily and lustfully. 

“We’re gonna be late.” I manage to say in between kisses.

“That’s okay it’s not like we show up on time anyway.” He responds out of breath.

I place myself in my previous position and move my hips in small circles on his waist. A small moan escapes as he leaves a trail of kisses down towards my bare chest and then towards my stomach. He stops suddenly 

“Are you sure you want to do this?” He asks. 

“Y-yes” The words slip from my mouth with no hesitation. 

My breathing hitches as he slowly palms the obvious tent forming in my pants. I bite my lip to try to stop my frequent moans from escaping my mouth but to no avail . I’m desperate. I need him but im so new to this i don’t know what i need. I just know right now I need him. He tugs at the hem of my briefs as if asking permission. I nod my head desperately and all at once they end up on the floor. I blush from the exposure to Josh. I’ve been intimate and exposed in front of him but never like this. This is different. This is comfortable. This is something i could get used to.

He plants light kisses over the head of my dick and I immediately shutter from the new sensation. He wraps his hand around the base and begins to pump slowly. I gasp for air. My finger reach for the nearest thing to keep a grip on. I run my hand through his wispy faded ruby hair and tug at it softly. He lets out a small gasp as in displaying his pleasure from the small motion. 

He pumps faster while placing one hand on my chest to stop me from bucking my hips. He stops and i'm desperate for him to keep going. I'm embarrassed at how fast I am to finishing once his mouth is sucking and resumes pumping. My hands still in his hair guiding his head to follow every time he goes deeper down my shaft. I feel it reach the back of his throat and immediately feel a sense of bliss surge through my body as tiny goosebumps form. A feeling like no other fills my stomach and I know I can no longer last. 

“J-Josh. I’m gonna-” 

He immediately releases his grip and white streaks splay across my stomach. My back arches and my breath still erratic. He comes back up to face me and places small kisses across my lips. My body still trembling for the sensitivity of it all. 

“You okay?” He coos while running his fingers through my hair.

“Mm” I hum back 

“We gotta get ready for work babe” he kisses my forehead and goes to grab a small tissue to wipe up the mess that was left in my chest. He returns with his on uniform and returns to the bed to lay with me. I pull my boxers back on and lay my head in his chest My breath finally returns to normal. 

“Why'd you put a shirt on?” I whine while sneaking my hand underneath his polo. 

His laugh echoes through the room as he places a small kiss on my forehead. 

“Because ya know we have this thing we have to go to and if we don't get ready now we'll be late. And you, sir, have to go to a session today.” He says giving me a small squeeze. 

“Ugh okay okay I guess you're right” I admit.

I finally get up and as I pass him he gives my butt a small squeeze and I let out a small squeal. I turn back to him give him a wide eyed stare in shock of his action. He bites his lip and gives a small wink. Today's gonna be a good day.

Work is dreadful like always, but every so often ill catch a glimpse of Josh pretending to not stare at me. It makes my heart flutter knowing that we are finally...dating. I think thats what you'd call it. I’m not entirely sure.I start to notice His hair is no longer a vibrant ruby color but almost a full blonde color. The ruby has faded which means he’ll probably change it out to a new color, and i can’t wait to see what color he’ll have next.

By 3:30 my manager lets me and Josh off so that he could take me to my session. The place is almost an hour away but it was the only location that would take me. We arrive at a very quaint place in a small center of other local doctors offices. They are placed conveniently around each other in a small community setting. We enter the building and head to the 5th floor. I feel almost uneasy walking in, as if the place is haunted. Haunted by the many uneasy people who sit in these very chairs and deal with the problems that they can’t seem to handle any more than the person next to them. But the uneasiness isn’t from the patients but rather from the setting itself. As if the place is telling us this is where it ends, and it ending has never seemed more scary than right now. 

“This place is kinda spooky” I whisper to Josh

He nods in agreement.

“Hey, um when i go in could...could you wait out here. I kinda want to do this alone.” I admit. 

He squeezes my hand slightly and nods once again in agreement. I can tell he wanted to go in with me but I can't have him in there with me. I don't know what's going to be asked and how I'll respond if he's in there with me. When I'm around him I want to pretend that everything is okay so that he doesn't have to worry about me but I know that's not the case. there is a lot to be worried about for many different reasons. And I need to be honest with myself. 

A few minutes later I'm heading into a fairly large room with enormous windows that reach from the roof of the room down towards the floor boards. The windows overlook this wildlife area densely populated with broad evergreen trees. So many that the only thing you can clearly make out are the dozens of tops of the trees peeking out from the small spaces in between each other. It's such a stunning view. I'd stare at it all day if I was able too. A blonde haired blue eyed man enters the room. I'm guessing he’s “Dr.” Harrison. Never really quite sure in why they consider themselves doctors but that's just my personal opinion, i mean it’s not like they are performing surgery or caring for the sick. Then again i wouldnt be here if I didn’t need help because i was considered “sick”.

“Hi you must be Tyler! I'm Dr. James Harrison” he speaks loudly interrupting my analysis of his Doctoral status. while reaching out and shaking my hand. 

I respond with a weak smile and a “Hello” back to him. 

He begins to explain how these sessions will work and how long they will be and other details that don’t seem to be as important but necessary to know. I just nod my head in agreement so that I seem to look like I know what I'm doing. Once he finishes explaining he reaches over and grabs a small notepad, a tape recorder, and heads over to the coffee table that is surrounded by two jet black leather couches. I follow and sit on one side of the coffee table and Dr Harrison on the other Side directly In Front of me. I feel awkward in this office. This isn't my usual setting and I start to feel oddly under dressed, as if I should be wearing a nice button up with some slacks. He begins to ask me questions about my childhood, im guessing he’s trying to pinpoint the exact moment where something caused me to have my problems. 

“So Tyler, how was your family setting? Were they always comforting and supportive? Tell me a little about them.”

“Um well i mean we were a basic family. We loved playing sports together and me and my three younger siblings Zach, Maddie, and Jay. we got along fairly well for the most part. I mean my parents have always supported my decisions in life and what i wanted.” 

“And what is it that you wanted? Did you want to move here and work at guitar center? What are your aspirations your dreams?” He replies snarkily as if he's just trying to get to the point..

“Well, no. no one wakes up one day and says ‘Hey you know what i want to work at GuitarCenter the rest of my life.’ I just-i left because i couldn’t handle my hometown and my best friend moved here and wanted to see if i wanted to move here too. So i did. And maybe it’s not the most ideal working situation but i plan to go back to college soon And do Something better .”

He seems intrigued but i can’t tell by what exactly.  
“Why did you leave college in the first place? Was it just because you jumped at the first opportunity to leave the familiar home setting or becasue you wanted to follow your best friend..?” He leaves a little pause waiting for me to fill in the blanks. 

“Josh, his name is Josh.” 

“Your best friend Josh.”

“None. I left college a couple months before i moved here because i needed to get away from everything. From the toxic relationships that i had there, that i was reminded of everyday. And Josh needed out and he saw that i needed out too. I talked to my parents about it and they were fine with it. That i could make my own choices. I decided that once i save a little bit more money ill go back to college. Right now isn’t a good time.” I start to respond more harshly towards him. His rude attitude caused me to respond in a way that im not used to. Maybe this is his way of finding his information or seeing how i respond to situations like this.

He looks down at the silver watch that wraps itself around his wrist. He scribbles something down and begins to walk towards his desk. 

“Tyler i think we should meet again. We’ve run out of time today but ill gladly see you again, maybe same time next week if that’s fine with you.” 

Im completely shocked. I look down at my phone to see that the hour has flown by. It hasn’t even felt that long but i kindly nod my head in response to his question. He then, again, scribbles something down, and walks me out. I walk down the long hallway that leads me back to wear Josh is waiting. I smile at him and motion with my head from us to leave. With annoyance plastered over my Josh quickly grabs my hand stops me in my tracks. Im guessing he knows that im not pleased with how the session went. 

“Hey, are you okay? What happened?” He asks concerned.

“Nothing he was just rude that’s all.” I say while rubbing my eyes. 

Josh brings me close and gives me a hug. I lay my head on his chest and my hands on his lower back, and let out a sigh in relief to finally be in a familiar place. My mood brightens up just from him being here. I slowly sneak my hands down to his butt and give it a small squeeze, like he did to me this morning. I feel him jump back out of shock and i burst out laughing. I place my hands back around him but this time a laying around the back of his neck. 

“That’s what you get for this morning” i say with a wink a quick kiss. He laughs and we both make our way back to our car.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow haven't been here in a while didn't mean to be gone that long but schools been keeping me busy. Hope this chapters good. Enjoy!


	13. Can't help falling in love

We reach back to our apartment. The car ride home is full of energy and random conversation. We enter the main building and make our way towards our front door. Josh goes to reach for his keys but i stop him abruptly. I reach for his hands and lace them with mine. He turns to me and smiles a toothy smile.

“Thank you for coming with me today. It means a lot that you waited for me there.”

He tilts his head slightly and leans in, meeting his lips with mine.

“I would wait as long as i could, to be with you Joseph. I mean i did wait since sophomore year of highschool to be with you.”

“Well, im glad we no longer have to wait.” I smile towards and and take the keys out of his hand and open the front door.

We enter the apartment and i immediately grab my ukulele. I'm in desperate need to play and practice. The last time i played was...well was the night Jenna left and i was surprised with a drunken Josh.

I head towards a little balcony area that isn’t very large.. I sit on the swing bench and begin to retune my ukulele. I play a few chords just to ready my hands and to get back in the swing of things. I start to realize how broken my instrument really is. The wood is no longer a dark brown but fading and chipping on its sides. The strings are worn out and doesn’t even sound like it should at times. Ive never really noticed the condition it is in until now.

I start to play Can’t Help falling in Love by Elvis. Not the simplest songs but a classic and one of my favorites. I hum along to the song and am interrupted by a knock on the sliding door. I turn and see a smiley Josh. he slides the door open and sits on the bench with me.

“I haven’t heard you play that in forever. I’ve missed it.” He says honestly. “God aren’t you cold out here? You don’t even have a sweater on you're gonna get sick Joseph. I can’t have you sick.”

I laugh as Josh takes off his sweater and hands it to me to wear. His aroma all over the sweater and im engulfed in it.

“I’m gonna go back inside and grab some blankets and make some hot chocolate. Is it okay if i come back and join you?” He asks

“Of course. Can you add marshmallows to the hot chocolate though?”

He gets up and kisses me on the forehead and with a “Yup” he re-enters the house.

I giggle and continue playing my song.

He returns soon after with tons of blankets and two mugs of hot chocolate, with small marshmallows in them.

I take a sip of it and i can already feel my body begin to warm up. Josh sits in the bench with me and places his arm around my lower waist bringing me closer to him. He strategically places all of the possible blankets we have in the apartment around us as a cocoon.

I begin to play once more and this time i hear josh humming along to it.

“Sing it for me” He whispers while giving me a small kiss in the side of my neck causing goosebumps to reform.

I smile and being

“Wise men say only fools rush in. But i can’t help falling in love with you .  
Shall I stay would it be a sin. If i can’t help falling in love with you.  
Like a river flows, surely to the sea darling so it goes  
Somethings were meant to be take my hand  
Take my whole life too  
Cuz i cant help falling in love with you “

 

I soon hear a small voice singing along with mine and notice its josh’s voice. I turn to him while still singing and smile at him. He can tell i heard him and a pink starts to flush into his cheeks. “Keep going” i say with a nudge pausing and waiting for him to continue with me. He’s hesitant, he starts to gain enough courage and then begins

“Like a river flows surely to the sea  
Darling so it goes”

I begin again along with him.

“Some things are meant to be  
Take my hand, take my whole life too  
For I can't help falling in love with you  
For I can't help falling in love with you”

We look at each other once more and i lay a small kiss on his lips. I truly have never felt happier then in this very moment. We both decide that if we stay out any longer we’ll both freeze to death, and head back into the apartment.

“Im so ready for bed” i say in mid yawn

“ I can tell. You've had a long day.” Josh chuckles “ wanna join me for a midnight movie? You could pick the movie.”

I immediately sense that Josh wants me to spend the night in his room again, but i'm not sure if i want to. Well its not that I dont its something about tonight that makes me want to be alone for a little. To be left alone in my thoughts.

“Id love to but i think im gonna stay in my room tonight if that's okay? Maybe tomorrow?”

“Its totally okay, and tomorrow it is” he says with a smile

 

“Good night Josh” i say as i hug him once more for the day.

“Good night joseph.” he gives me a kiss on the forehead and we head our separate ways towards our rooms.

As i lay on my bed my head starts to recollect todays events. Today has had both its ups and downs, but the part that worries me the most are the ups. Im always so scared of being happy for whatever reason and i know that no matter what im doing, when im with josh he makes me ten times happier than if i were to do something without him. Thats the part that scares me because im not sure what id do without him, or who id be without him. And what also sucks is that i know that whatever goes up must come down, that no relationship is perfect no matter how hard you try and make it to be. I know right now we're in that honeymoon stage where everything is all cupcakes and butterflies but i feel like there's something about mine and josh’s history that makes us stronger then most couples. I guess ill really never know till something comes up and puts it to the test. God i really hope nothing comes up, i like the way we are now. I like the honeymoon phase no matter what people say, but i know its unrealistic to hope that itll last like this the entire time. I decide to stop dwelling on things that could possibly happen and to take a moment to breathe. If i learned anything in today's therapy lesson is to take a step back recollect my thoughts and breathe. As i seem to become stable enough i grab the notepad and pen that lay on the night stand and just start writing words down. Anything that pops into my head. Soon enough coherent sentences start to form and within a short amount of time i have part of a poem written. The one word that seemed to stick out to me the most becomes the title for the piece, air catcher. Placing my notepad down, I slid further underneath the covers and close my eyes. My day's been long enough.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> wowowow its been a while. i think I'm gonna continue this story for a little bit but idk where I'm going with it so bare with me for a while.

**Author's Note:**

> I hope this doesn't suck but I hope you guys enjoyed it. I have some pre written stuff so if this works out I'll update as soon as possible.
> 
> Stay alive friends :D


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